Why don't lawyers trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
Why did the lawyer get arrested at the bank?
Because he tried to deposit a brief case!
Why did the judge go to the doctor?
Because he had a case of the flu!
Why do lawyers use big words?
Because they want to confuse the jury!
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the other side of the bill!
Why did the lawyer wear a wig to court?
Because he wanted to give his argument a little more weight!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to time his opening statement!
Why did the lawyer go to the gym?
Because he wanted to work on his briefs!
Why did the lawyer wear sunglasses to court?
Because he didn't want to see the judge's reaction!
Why did the lawyer wear a tie to court?
Because he wanted to hang the jury!
Why did the lawyer wear a suit to court?
Because he wanted to press his case!
Why did the lawyer wear a hat to court?
Because he wanted to keep his head above water!
Why did the lawyer wear gloves to court?
Because he didn't want to leave any fingerprints!
Why did the lawyer wear a mask to court?
Because he didn't want to show his true face!
Why did the lawyer wear a cape to court?
Because he wanted to make a grand entrance!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his argument together!
Why did the lawyer wear a scarf to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from unraveling!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep track of his billable hours!
Why did the lawyer wear a tie to court?
Because he wanted to look sharp in front of the judge!
Why did the lawyer wear a suit to court?
Because he wanted to look like a legal eagle!
Why did the lawyer wear a hat to court?
Because he wanted to keep his head in the game!
Why did the lawyer wear gloves to court?
Because he didn't want to get his hands dirty!
Why did the lawyer wear a mask to court?
Because he didn't want to show his true emotions!
Why did the lawyer wear a cape to court?
Because he wanted to swoop in and save the day!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his argument from falling apart!
Why did the lawyer wear a scarf to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting cold!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case on track!
Why did the lawyer wear a tie to court?
Because he wanted to tie up his case!
Why did the lawyer wear a hat to court?
Because he wanted to keep his head from exploding!
Why did the lawyer wear gloves to court?
Because he didn't want to leave any fingerprints on his case!
Why did the lawyer wear a mask to court?
Because he didn't want to reveal his true identity!
Why did the lawyer wear a suit to court?
Because he wanted to dress to impress the judge!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from sagging!
Why did the lawyer wear a scarf to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting lost!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from running out of time!
Why did the lawyer wear a cape to court?
Because he wanted to make a dramatic entrance!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from falling down!
Why did the lawyer wear a scarf to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting tangled!
Why did the lawyer wear a watch to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from going off track!
Why did the lawyer wear a tie to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from looking sloppy!
Why did the lawyer wear a hat to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting cloudy!
Why did the lawyer wear gloves to court?
Because he didn't want to leave any fingerprints on his argument!
Why did the lawyer wear a mask to court?
Because he didn't want to reveal his true intentions!
Why did the lawyer wear a suit to court?
Because he wanted to look like a legal beagle!
Why did the lawyer wear a belt to court?
Because he wanted to keep his case from getting loose!
A lawyer arrived at the Pearly Gates and asked St. Peter for admission.
St. Peter asked him, "Have you ever done any pro-bono work?"
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "Well, I did win a case for a widow once."
St. Peter replied, "Okay, that's great! What happened in the case?"
The lawyer answered, "She was evicted."
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates.
To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.
Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be about 193 years old!"
A lawyer asked a witness on the stand, "Did you know that the human body contains enough fat to make seven bars of soap?"
The witness replied, "Yes, I did. But, do you know that a lawyer has enough lies in him to fill seven law books?"
An engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose profession was older.
The engineer said, "Well, in the book of Genesis, it says that God created the earth out of chaos and void, so it must have been an engineer who did it."
The lawyer replied, "Yes, but who do you think created the chaos?"
A lawyer was giving some advice to his client, who was worried about perjury charges.
The lawyer said, "Remember, you don't have to lie in court.
All you have to do is tell the truth in such a way that no one can understand it."
What's the difference between a lawyer and an MBA?
A lawyer has a better chance of getting a job when he graduates.
Why don't lawyers go to the doctor when they feel ill?
Because they enjoy the feeling of being sick.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a pharmacist?
A pharmacist helps people get better, while a lawyer helps people get bitter.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
An accountant knows he's boring.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a consultant?
A consultant borrows your watch to tell you the time, then keeps the watch.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an IRS agent?
One will cheat you legally, and the other will cheat you illegally.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a software engineer?
A software engineer will fix your bug, while a lawyer will just tell you why it's not their problem.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a salesperson?
A salesperson will bend the truth to make a sale, while a lawyer will bend the truth to avoid one.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a banker?
A banker will lend you an umbrella when it's sunny and ask for it back when it rains, while a lawyer will charge you for the rain.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a politician?
A politician will lie to your face, while a lawyer will lie behind your back.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a real estate agent?
A real estate agent will sell you a house with a leaky roof, while a lawyer will sell you the leaky roof.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a used car salesman?
A used car salesman knows when he's lying.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a journalist?
A journalist will twist your words to sell newspapers, while a lawyer will twist your words to win a case.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an insurance salesman?
An insurance salesman will sell you a policy you don't need, while a lawyer will sue you for not having one.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a stockbroker?
A stockbroker will invest your money and make you rich, while a lawyer will invest your money and make themselves rich.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an architect?
An architect will design a beautiful building, while a lawyer will design a beautiful lawsuit.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a dentist?
A dentist will pull your teeth, while a lawyer will pull your leg.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a plumber?
A plumber will unclog your drain, while a lawyer will drain your bank account.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a priest?
A priest will hear your confession, while a lawyer will make you confess.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a psychologist?
A psychologist will help you deal with your problems, while a lawyer will help you create more problems.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a psychiatrist?
A psychiatrist will help you understand your problems, while a lawyer will help you understand their bill.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a teacher?
A teacher will help you learn, while a lawyer will help you earn.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a veterinarian?
A veterinarian will take care of your pets, while a lawyer will take care of your debts.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a waiter?
A waiter will bring you food, while a lawyer will bring you trouble.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an actor?
An actor will pretend to be someone else, while a lawyer will pretend to care about someone else.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a musician?
A musician will play your favorite song, while a lawyer will play your favorite loophole.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an artist?
An artist will create a masterpiece, while a lawyer will create a mess.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a chef?
A chef will cook your favorite meal, while a lawyer will cook your books.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a mechanic?
A mechanic will fix your car, while a lawyer will fix your case.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gardener?
A gardener will prune your trees, while a lawyer will prune your wallet.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a barber?
A barber will cut your hair, while a lawyer will cut your assets.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a firefighter?
A firefighter will put out your fire, while a lawyer will put out your money.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a police officer?
A police officer will catch a criminal, while a lawyer will catch a client.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a soldier?
A soldier will defend your country, while a lawyer will defend your lawsuit.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an athlete?
An athlete will play by the rules, while a lawyer will play with the rules.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a writer?
A writer will create a story, while a lawyer will create a storyboard.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a scientist?
A scientist will search for the truth, while a lawyer will search for the loophole.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a mathematician?
A mathematician will solve a problem, while a lawyer will solve a dispute.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a philosopher?
A philosopher will ask questions, while a lawyer will ask for fees.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a historian?
A historian will study the past, while a lawyer will study the precedent.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an economist?
An economist will analyze the market, while a lawyer will analyze the contract.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a sociologist?
A sociologist will study society, while a lawyer will study the law.
At the funeral of a lawyer's wife, the mourners were shocked to see the inscription on her tombstone.
It read, "Here lies Phyllis, beloved wife of Attorney Murray Williams, specializing in divorce and malpractice."
Seeing the inscription, Murray burst into tears. His brother, trying to console him, said, "You should be crying, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this on your wife's grave."
Murray, still sobbing, replied, "You don't understand. I gave them my business card…."
His brother, feeling embarrassed for his hasty judgment, apologized.
Murray added, "… And they didn't include my phone number!"
A lawyer cruised through an intersection, catching the attention of a vigilant policeman. With flashing lights, the officer signaled for him to pull over. Rolling down his window, the lawyer inquired, "What seems to be the issue, officer?"
The policeman, requested, "Could I see your license and registration, please?"
The lawyer responded, "May I ask why?"
"You failed to comply with the stop sign back there," the officer explained.
The lawyer argued, "I did slow down, and there was no other traffic."
The officer insisted, "But you still need to come to a complete stop, regardless of the circumstances. License and registration, please."
The lawyer pressed on, "What's the distinction, then?"
"The difference is in the full cessation of movement," the officer clarified, growing slightly impatient. "I need to see your license and registration NOW."
The lawyer proposed a challenge, "If you can convincingly explain the disparity between 'slowing down' and 'stopping,' I'll gladly hand over my documents."
The officer retorted, "OK, Step out of the vehicle, sir."
The officer, losing his composure, brandished his nightstick and unleashed a flurry of blows upon the lawyer.
"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
I've encountered my plastic surgeon brother in law FOUR times! And every time he forgets my name! He's so bad with faces!
Where did my brother-in-law spend his honeymoon?
In Indiana!
Close butt, no cigar.
My brother-in-law's name is Jim Titleist;
Perhaps you've teed off with his golf balls.
What does a black man call a black attorney?
A brother in law.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call a white claw run? A seltzer sprint.
What did the cat use to sharpen its claws?
Me. Ouch.
What did the koalas tell the zookeeper after he trimmed their claws?
"Eucalyptus!
Two lobsters were in a tank.
The one said to the other, "It would sure be easier navigating this vessel without rubber bands on our claws.
I think individuals who enjoy White Claw now are the same folks who gave me a hard time for sipping on a Smirnoff Ice instead of beer, and I feel they owe me an apology.
What do you call a critter with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and claws?
A crabomination
What do a cat on the shore and Christmas have in common? They both have sandy claws.
Mummy, what are those scratch marks all over your body?
Santa paws, darling.
It's challenging looking for a rental that allows pets. No one seems to have the purrfect clause in the contract.
If MLK were alive today, he would probably scream and claw at the top of his coffin.
Why did my cat get screwed on his student loans?
He forgot to read the fineprint claws.
So essentially you had to pant n wheeze on the raven talon then wriggle in the griffon door.
What did the bound lobster fear more than boiling water?
Claw-Strophobia.
What do you call a nail salon in a fancy area? Ocean Claw.
Why did the hermit crab refuse to enter his shell? Because he was claw-strophobic!
Clinging to the tops of their coffins and shouting, probably.
If George Washington were alive today during the Trump era, how would he react?
He would be clawing desperately at his coffin lid.
What do you call a crab that’s bad at pitching?
A lobster, but what it really boils down to is his claws being tied.
I love you so much I'd wrestle a bear for you.
Well not a grizzly bear because
they have claws, and not a panda bear
because they know Kung Fu... But a
care bear, I'd definitely fight a care
bear for you.
Who gives gifts to lobsters?
Lobster Claus
If Abraham Lincoln were still alive today, he would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.
I guess she is straw-phobic...
What’s the contrast between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.
What did the cat use to sharpen its nails?
Me. Ow.
What did the koalas tell the zookeeper after he trimmed their claws?
"Eucalyptus!
Two lobsters were in a tank.
The one said to the other, "It would sure be easier steering this thing without rubber bands on our claws.
What do you call a creature with the head of a seahorse, body of a lobster, the hind legs of an octopus, the front legs of a penguin, and paws?
A crabomination
What do a cat at the beach and Christmas have in common?
They both have sandy paws
Mommy, what are those scratch marks all over your body?
Santa paws, darling.
It's tough searching for a rental that allows pets. No one seems to have the purrfect claws in the contract.
Why did my cat get ripped off on his student loans?
He forgot to read the fine paws
Who brings gifts to lobsters?
Santa Paws
Why was Wolverine (from the X-Men) terminated from the law firm?
Because he neglected to read the contract paws.
The bartender says, "No sharp objects, please!"
They both depart.
Murphy's law is about bad luck, Godwin's law is about Hitler, and Coleslaw is... finely chopped cabbage, with a vinegar or mayonnaise-based dressing.
Saddam Hussein was found guilty in a court of law, but he was given a suspended sentence.
Nobody wants to hear your tale unless you have cash.
Me:" Damn... I think I picked the wrong day to cross these illegal dildos over."
Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.
First Degree Pre-med Murder.
Sorry in advance, I'm in the middle of studying criminal law for the bar and know this is super silly.
Now I just need to focus on the criminal part.
Now I just need to focus on the lawyer aspect.
After a thorough examination, he informed her, "Well, it seems like you're pregnant."
She exclaimed, "What, I'm pregnant?!"
The doctor responded, "No, it just *looks* like it."
My Daughter In Law
She’s a manager at a post office. I threw her a celebration for getting promoted in a mail-dominated industry.
Man to carpenter - make a really sturdy bed so it doesn't collapse when my son and daughter-in-law sleep on it after getting married
Carpenter - no problem sir, I'll make a bed so strong it won't break even if the entire neighborhood sleeps with your daughter-in-law
After two years of marriage...
Mother-in-law: It's time for you guys to become 3 from 2.
Daughter-in-law: I know, I've been begging your son to attempt a threesome but he refuses.
My dream is to marry into a family of lawyers. Open a law firm with my husband's mom, and call it "Mother and daughter-in-law.
I finally understood why the painting of Washington crossing the Delaware is such a big deal: it shows the last time someone willingly entered New Jersey.
What did Delaware?
Idaho, Alaska........ She wore her New onesie.
(this was a dad joke decades before they were called Dad jokes.)
What do you call a werewolf from Wilmington or Dover?
A Delaware-wolf.
Mississippi asked Missouri, "What did Delaware?" Missouri replied, "Iowa, but Alaska". Turns out she wore her New Jersey.
An elderly couple, 102 and 98 years old respectively, are finally getting a divorce. The judge asks them why they are getting one now...
"We were waiting for the kids to kick the bucket."
My father-in-law told me, when he was a kid they were so poor, his dad would cut holes in their pockets so they'd have something to play with.
Your father-in-law is so terrible at chess, he swapped a queen for a horse.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law
Today I’m working with my father-in-law; He’s getting pretty good at it, I can just tell he’s gonna be a comedian in no time.
Close, but no cigar.
My father-in-law just told me this joke:
"Well, you know what they say about balding. If you go bald in the front, you're a great thinker. If you go bald in the back, you're a great lover. If you go bald everywhere, you think you're a great lover.
I informed my father-in-law that we share something in common.
"Oh, really?"
"Yes, your daughter also refers to me as Daddy.
I was at my father-in-law's funeral when my mother-in-law walked by.
"I just want to tell you about a spot where people park their cars," I said.
"Thank you," she said. "That really means a whole lot.
When my father-in-law made a joke about calculus, I couldn't help but laugh. By the time I got to calculus in math, I realized I had reached my maximum capacity.
My father-in-law once told me the secret to a great marriage. On your 5th wedding anniversary, take your wife to the old country.
On your 40th anniversary, go back and pick her up.
I got my Irish father-in-law with this one. He never said a swear word in his life. But I got him good.
Say the sentence out loud and repeat after me.
Well Oil Beef Hooked
My father-in-law said he felt so fortunate that his daughter met such a fantastic guy.
But that relationship didn't pan out so she settled for me.
I never understood how a grown man could cry at his wedding. That was until my father-in-law poked me with his shotgun.
I can't stand father-in-laws, so I only date black girls.
He paid for them with Frequent Fibber miles.
(Thanks, father-in-law)
My wife says I have two major flaws:
First, that I never listen when she talks to me, and second was something else.
I've been trapped in Rome for the last 3 weeks.
All their roads have this strange design flaw.
The interviewer asked, "What's your biggest flaw?"
I interrupt in others conversations.
I was speaking with him.
My bad.
Why did the flawed democracy go to therapy?
An electile dysfunction
Although I wouldn't say it's a major character flaw, my premature ejaculation is definitely a shortcoming.
Women with imperfections are like cancer - they tend to grow on you.
I had a job interview earlier today and the boss asked me, "What would you say is one of your biggest character flaws?"
I said, "Well, I can be brutally honest at times." And the boss said, "No way! I think that's a wonderful quality actually."
And I said, "I really don't care what you think.
My wife made a list of all my faults.
1. I don't pay attention.
2. Some other stuff.
I mean, if I have 562 chocolate bars and eat half, I'm not going to need to know how many chocolate bars are left, I'm gonna need to know how to write a last will and testament.
You know, with all his flaws, Dr. Frankenstein was a darn good orator. He really knew how to bring people together.
I can't think of a better representative of the United States of America.
If a girl has red hair, it compensates for other personality shortcomings; I refer to it as the "Red Head Redemption".
People ranked their favorite meats...but the survey was flawed and inconsequential.
The steaks weren't very high.
After numerous rounds of intimacy, I confessed all of my flaws and secrets to my significant other. They said that was very forth-coming of me.
Did you hear? Being the greatest business genius that he is, Donald Trump will be fixing the most unique flaw of this amazing nation. And it will finally be known as America: Land of the Free! (Conditions may apply)
The keys for men to find happiness in a relationship are as follows:
Find a woman who understands your flaws, a woman who loves you, a woman who has a great sense of humor, and make sure those three women don’t find out about each other.
Marriage is about accepting each other's flaws. For example, if I fart, my wife calls me disgusting and hits me.
If my wife farts, she calls me repulsive and hits me.
US electrical outlets are a lot like politics. They both have inherent design flaws that can be dangerous in the hands of idiots.
A supervillain and his henchman are sitting in the control room of the supervillain's volcanic lair.
Suddenly alarms start blaring all over the place.
Supervillain: "What in the world is happening? Have the sharks with lasers escaped again? Is it the IRS? Is there a leak in the reactor?"
The henchman looks behind him to see a chair melting into the ground. "No, sir, the issue is lava.
A Polish pilot is going in for a landing when he realizes the runway is not long enough. After putting on the emergency brakes he screeches to a halt, missing the airport with the nose of the plane by mere feet.
The furious pilot told the reporters later on, "This is an obvious design flaw in American airports, why the heck would they make the landing strips so short? Or so unbelievably wide!?
Interviewer: What would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: My bedroom is pretty huge, but I'd have to go with my living room.
I have a superiority complex; it's literally my ONLY weakness.
I've got a terrible habit.
It's confessing my imperfections to everyone.
Jesus seemed like he was probably a good dude; healed the sick, fed the hungry, and gave good advice. Jesus had only one flaw: he was always lingering around.
I heard about the ideal gas law in physics class PV=nRT... and I heard the non-ideal gas law in a packed elevator PU=faRT.
Why couldn't Obi-Wan determine the volume of Bespin using the ideal gas law? Because only a Sith deals in absolutes.
...I don't know about all that, but I did bathe after I arrived.
They say he's the first person ever to be high-fived to death.
Question: What did Elmer Fudd do when Jennifer Lawrence stood up?
Answer: Wicker Chair
I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.
All those Law and Order jokes are totally overdone.
The "No Balls" Peace Prize.
Instead of law and order, how about a show called Law and Hors d'oeuvres? Ice-T says, "We found deviled eggs and jalapeno poppers in the victim's anal cavity.
I just barely crossed the finish line in a Law and Order 5k race.
I would have won first place, but the cops beat me to it.
Crime TV shows aren't like they used to be. That's why I support Donald Trump's vow to bring back Law and Order.
I'm dyslexic but hoping to get a law degree.
One that I can actually sue.
What do you call a calculating contraption with a law degree?
Abacus Atticus
"OUCH, my head!" the man exclaims.
"Your head? What on earth are you blabbering about?" inquires the bartender.
"Oh, forget it. Just pour me a drink," the man retorts.
"A drink?" the bartender questions. "I'm here to obtain my law degree, now find a chair like all the others.
What's the difference between an alcoholic and a lawyer?
A bar degree.
What are police officers called in Vatican City?
The Pope Po.
Who's the sheriff in the font world?
Sans Deputy
I can't watch sexy police training videos without snacks.
I need popcorn for my officer porn.
What's the average gun size of law enforcement?
9mm
What do you call the spiritual leader of law enforcement?
the popope.
What is a Roman police officer's favorite language?
Bacon Latin
None. They tripped.
"How could you shoot someone five times by accident?" The officer inquired.
"Well, I was aiming for the man beside him but I have a lazy eye," the man replied.
What do you call a law enforcement agency that refuses to buy their own vehicles?
The Car-n't Police department
I'm planning on opening a strip club in Poland. It will be called Pole Land.
I will hire individuals from former law enforcement as strippers.
The motto for the club will be: "Welcome to Pole Land, in Poland: Where Polish police polish your pole".
The slogan did quite well in market research surveys.
In the 1970s, police officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Seagulls would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no seagulls were left unstoned.
Why is Hillary Clinton running for President?
Because it's simpler than fleeing from Law Enforcement.
I appreciate the Secret Service; they are the only law enforcement agency in the country that gets in trouble if a black man gets shot.
I’m going to start a law firm and only employ nuns...
I’ll name it “Sisters in Law.”
My law practice specializes in grain futures agreements.
Barley Legal
What is the name of a dog that assists in a Spanish law office?
A perro-legal.
My grandpa walked up to me and asked, "do you know the most well-known law firm in the world?"
I replied "no, what is it?"
"Dowie Cheetem and Howe.
What do you discover in the filing cabinets of a law firm?
Organized crime.
Why did Wolverine (from the X-Men) get fired from the law firm? Because he forgot to read the contract claws.
In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one lazy man is a disgrace, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
Open a law firm with my husband's mom, and call it "Mother-in-law and daughter-in-law
A dude strolls into a bar.
After a few years of experience, he opens his own Law Firm.
A Man Walks Into A Bar
Ten years of hard work and clever networking later, he runs a extremely successful law firm.
Just heard that by law you have to turn your headlights on when it’s raining in Sweden; body:
How in the world am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly sliced cabbage and mayo.
Murphy's Law states that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. But are you familiar with Cole's Law?
It's finely-shredded raw cabbage with a salad dressing, usually either vinaigrette or mayonnaise.
It took half a century but hippies finally won.
You know Murphy's Law. It's "If something can go wrong, it will", but do you know Cole's Law? It's shredded cabbage, mayonnaise, possibly some carrot.
I don't get all these jokes about mothers-in-law. Mine is sweet, supportive, and a wonderful influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything negative about her.
What happened when the semicolon broke grammar rules?
It was sentenced to two consecutive phrases.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted!
My mother-in-law is visiting. I'm not saying she's overweight, but... when we hung her underwear out to dry, we lost an hour of natural light.
After three hours at my mother-in-law's funeral, I had to go to the bathroom. So I walked up to the coffin and yelled, "Why were you such a witch!?
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law who lives at 324 3rd Street, Los Angeles. She gets off at 6.
The heavier they get, the easier they are to lift up.
…. "How many potatoes would you like?"
I replied, "Ooh, I'll just have one please."
She said, "It's OK, you don't have to be polite."
"Alright," I said, "I'll just have one then, you foolish woman."
Last week I hooked up with my sister-in-law;
This week I hooked up with my brother in geography.
I said no, 6 should be enough.
My drinking problem is really messing up my law career.
Every time I try to pass the bar...
I just walk in.
Now we wait.
Taking my mother-in-law off her life support was one of the most difficult things I've done.
I had to wrestle my wife, two doctors, and a nurse to finally do it.
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know."
I don't know about you, but I'd rather vote for a candidate who wants to restore Firefly.
A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a cat, not a friggin' photocopier.
Did you hear the Supreme Court just overturned a law declaring ketchup to be the best condiment?
They say it doesn’t cut the mustard.
What do you do if you miss your mother-in-law?
You reload and try again!!
A raven was caught recently violating quarantine laws.
They charged him with attempted murder.
What happens to rainbows that break the law?
They go through the prison system.
Why did the mother-in-law cross the road?
She thought it was a jurisdiction.
My mother-in-law has a huge case of diarrhea. She won't realize until she unpacks her suitcase.
I’m sure we all know Cunningham’s Law:
It’s that pigs are smarter than we give them credit for.
I took my mother-in-law out today. I love being a sharpshooter!
Your father-in-law is so terrible at chess, he swapped a queen for a horse.
It's not a shock, I've been going up twice a week to poop on it.
What do police officers sing during Christmas?
Police Christmas
I'm exhausted from hearing Law and Order jokes. They've all already been done.
What’s the contrast between a good lawyer and a fantastic lawyer?
A good lawyer comprehends the law. A top-notch lawyer comprehends the judge.
I was walking with my wife when we turned the corner and saw three guys kicking and punching my mother-in-law. My wife shouted, "Quick! Help!". I replied, "Nah, I think three is plenty."
I used to always obey the law;
I stopped because they kept pulling me over.
A policeman dashes over to a hit-and-run victim, who exclaims “My mother-in-law just attempted to run me over!” The cop responds, “That car struck you from behind. How do you know it was your mother-in-law?” The victim replies, “I recognize the evil cackle.”
What do you call a pastor who becomes a attorney? A father in law.
John: You're late, where have you been?
Fred: I just buried my mother-in-law.
John: What's with all the scratches and bruises?
Fred: Well, she put up a really good fight.
Do you know the distinction between in-laws and outlaws?
At least the outlaws are wanted by somebody.
Acknowledgment: My dad.
I bet Ted Cruz has two Twitter accounts now. One for adult content, and one to discuss the laws he's passing... Either way, a woman's getting screwed.
Wife - "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
Where did my brother-in-law spend his honeymoon?
In Indiana.
A man goes on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. Whilst stretching their legs outside the jeep a lion jumps out of the bushes and corners the mother-in-law.
The man's wife screams at her husband, "Please! Can't you do anything to help?"
The man replies, "The lion got itself into this mess, it can get itself out.
A man opens the door for his mother-in-law and exclaims, "Well, well, well! Look who's here. How long are you gracing us with your presence this time?" The mother-in-law, in a playful tone, responds with a smirk, "Until you've had enough of me." "Oh, is that so? Not even sticking around for a cup of coffee?
What are police officers called in Vatican City?
The Pope Po
The pressure of a gas is inversely related to its volume—Boyle’s Law.
Any remaining cabbage needs to be sliced and mixed with mayonnaise.
—Cole’s Law.
Did you know? If you rearrange the letters of Mother-in-Law, you get Woman Dictator;
I suppose she doesn't enjoy other family members organizing her correspondence.
There is a rule that says you don't have to wear a mask. It's called Natural Selection.
I heard about the ideal gas law in physics class PV=nRT...
and I heard the non-ideal gas law in a packed elevator PU=faRT.
Murphy's law is about bad luck, Godwin's law is about Hitler, and Coleslaw is...
Finely shredded cabbage, with a vinegar or mayonnaise based dressing.
My sister-in-law said her friend was studying overseas...
My brother promptly responded, "what's her name?
My mother in law came for a visit so I asked her - How long do you plan to stay?
Just until I start annoying you, she replied.
Oh, so you won't even stay for a drink?
I‘ve been practicing law for over ten years. I think I'm ready for my first lawsuit now.
As I was picking up my mother-in-law from the airport, I asked her, "So, how long do you think you'll be staying with us?"
She replied, "Well... for as long as you like."
"Not even for a drink??"
- "She's in the garden."
- "Where? I can't see her."
- "You have to dig a little."
My mother-in-law fell into a wishing well.
I was amazed - I never thought they actually worked.
I stood up to start my mother-in-law's eulogy.
"I'd like to thank everybody for being present today," I exclaimed, "especially the individual in the casket."
The legal loophole in breaking and entering laws is The Santa Clause.
My father-in-law's favorite joke:
You can hug a Nun but don't get into the habit.
You've heard Moore's law and Boyle's law but have you heard of Cole's law? It's shredded cabbage. Thanks for the correction.
The "No Balls" Peace Prize.
This is typically achieved by shrinking them.
Consequently, less is Moore's.
My mother-in-law was in tears.
"Honey," she said to me, "listen, *please*! Look...Before I commit suicide, there's one thing I want to do. I want to take your cat for a walk."
And no matter how much I tried to talk her out of it, she insisted on walking the cat first.
Traffic joke:
Britain: Drive on the left side
Europe and America: Drive on the right side
India: Lol what's a "traffic rule"?
br my daughter in law is a manager at a post office. i threw her a party for getting promoted in a mail dominated industry.
For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
What’s the distinction between a bowling ball and my mother-in-law?
The bowling ball doesn't have a beard.
My mother-in-law came down from the North of England to visit for Christmas. I told her, "You should consider moving further South." She was very touched until she realized I meant Antarctica.
Years ago, my Mother-in-law started reading "The Exorcist." She said it was the evilest book she'd ever read. So evil, in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean, and threw it off the pier.
I went out, bought another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
My mother-in-law just called and said that she suspects she smells gas, asking what she should do.
I told her: you're such a fantastic and religious person, you should light a candle and pray.
If self-pleasure were outlawed, a plethora of men would be breaking the law single-handedly.
Have you heard of Murphy's Law?
-Yes, anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
-What's Cole's law?
-I don't know.
-It's a fine-slice cabbage dipped in mayonnaise and sour cream.
In law school...
Professor: What is fraud?
Student: If you don't allow me to pass the exam, you've committed fraud.
Professor: (surprised) how so?
Student: According to the law, those who exploit others' ignorance to cause them losses are committing fraud.
According to all the laws of aviation, it should be impossible for a bee to fly.
This is because not a single bee has registered with the FAA.
If your mother-in-law and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose...
would you go to lunch or a comedy show?
My mother-in-law just asked for "beauty products" for her birthday. She seemed unimpressed with the toaster I bought her.
Saying you're an attorney at law is like saying you're a software engineer at programming or that you're a police officer at racism.
When he was a kid they were so broke, his dad would cut holes in their pockets so they'd have something to play with.
What do you call a monkey that breaks the law?
A Criminalate
One is an authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion and the other is the Taliban.
What's an efficient way to sway Texas Lawmakers' opinions on abortion laws?
Impregnate their wives, assuming they have any.
Scottish lawmakers recently decided to make menstrual products free; It's about darn time.
If the law passes, then Germany will über everything
I guess Randall mishandled his sandal scandal in the panhandle.
Thief: (Pointing gun) "Give me your money."
Politician: "Do you know who you're talking to? I am a lawmaker."
Thief: "Alright! Then give me my money." (Pressing the gun harder)
When California was determining its census rules, a law similar to the three fifths compromise was considered, under which two Asian Americans would be counted the same as one Caucasian.
The law was rejected, because the lawmakers all agreed that two Wongs don't make a white.
Comparing Texas politicians with the Taliban seems a bit over the top. One is an authoritarian theocracy armed by US weapons manufacturers that violently persecutes women and children in the name of religion, and the other is the Taliban.
An effective way to convince Texas lawmakers to reconsider their stance on abortion law is to get their wives pregnant, assuming they have any.
Scottish legislators recently decided to make menstrual products complimentary. It's about bloody time.
If the law passes, then Deutschland will über everything
Today is a historic day: US lawmakers on both sides actually agreed to pass a new piece of legislation.
Unfortunately, they now have to figure out the process of making it a real law.
Alabama has changed its drinking age to 28. Lawmakers justify this by saying it is supposed to keep alcohol out of high school.
When California was determining its census rules, a law similar to the three fifths compromise was considered, under which two Asian Americans would be counted the same as one Caucasian.
The law was rejected, because the lawmakers all agreed that two Wongs don't make a white.
I'm going to create a western about a silent sheriff.
Quiet Wyatt.
Who creates the finest lawn chairs in Dublin?
Paddy O'Furniture
They come in hot and wet and leave with the lawn chairs we bought together, Sara, you trickster!
I can never get anything correct. Yesterday I attempted suicide.
My wife left for work. I went into the garage, sealed the windows and doors.
Started my car, let it run. I sat in my lawn chair and closed my eyes. After eight hours, nothing. I felt the same. I was so irritated I shut off my Tesla and went back inside.
Women are like hurricanes...
They enter your life wet and wild, and they leave with your lawn furniture THAT WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH, YOU WITCH.
I called the police about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up.
They said they couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.
I just saw a man slumped over a lawnmower crying his eyes out.
He said he'll be okay, he's just going through a tough time.
I have a chicken-resistant lawn.
It's impeckable.
My first spouse used to mow the lawn nude.
My neighbors always knew I married them for their money.
The band Static X just invented a lawn mower;
Yeah...you push it.
A donkey plummeted out of the sky onto my lawn!
Meet Eeyore.
I saw two kids destroying my front lawn with a network device. So I modem down.
When I kick the bucket, I want my pals to do two things: 1) Spread my ashes on my ex’s front yard.
2) Additionally, I don’t want to be cremated.
Two lawn workers were taking a break in the yard. From down the block they heard a familiar melancholy tune coming from the local church. "Guess there's a funeral in town today," one man said. "Wonder who passed away?" The second man replied, "I'm not sure, but typically it's the one in the casket.
I sprinted inside and shouted, "Sweetheart! Pack your bags! I won the lottery!!"
From upstairs my wife shouted, "That's fantastic darling! What should I pack? Beach attire? Mountain gear?"
I yelled in response, "It doesn't matter!! Just get out of here!!
I suspect my neighbor Jackson pooped on my lawn when I was not home.
I asked around to check if there were any witnesses, but everyone says they didn't see Jackson's poop.
Who makes the best lawn chairs in Dublin?
Paddy O'Furniture
I put an old lawnmower out on the street, with a "FREE" sign next to it.
Somebody came and took the sign, but left the lawnmower.
Guess I should have been more precise...
My wife says grown-ups shouldn't pretend the yard is lava, but I'm on the fence.
They come in hot and wet and leave with **THE STUFF WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARA YOU DEVIL!**
Why didn't the pimp water his lawn?
He couldn't rely on his hose.
Every morning a German Shepherd poops on my lawn. Some days he brings his buddy.
This Spanish man on my lawn is so demanding. I keep giving him blankets to sit on and all he will say in response is "grassy ass".
Tesla has just announced their new lawn mower: The Lawninator.
Bill Clinton steps off a helicopter onto the White House lawn. He's holding a pig under each arm. A marine who's there to greet him says, "Nice pigs, sir!" Clinton responds, "Thank you! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea." The marine replies, "Nice swap, sir!"
My dad said he'd remove my computer games if I didn't finish mowing the lawn. I did the first half pretty swiftly... but now I'm losing Steam.
Earlier today a German Shepherd jumped over the fence and pooped on my lawn. Then 30 minutes later his pup came and did the same thing.
I wish my lawn was grumpy;
Then it would cut itself.
It's a pain in the grass.
Oh no, my lawn looks so dry! Looks like I need to watermalawn.
Yesterday, he brought his pup along.
Today I had to let go of the guy I hired to mow my lawn because he just wasn't shearing it.
What do you get when a Smurf urinates on your lawn?
Bluegrass.
Just got fired from my lawn maintenance job.
Apparently I just wasn't edging it.
I was mowing my lawn when I stumbled upon a shallow unmarked grave and I can’t stop laughing. I don’t know why, I just find this humerus.
How come the grass of a graveyard needs to be mowed so often?
Because everybody is pushing up the daisies!
The conspiracy deepens...
Let me introduce you to Neil deGrasse Tyson's son who runs a lawn mowing business - Meet Moe deGrasse Tyson!
It’s important to pay close attention to lawn signs during election campaigns!
Last time I voted for a landscape architect.
Who the heck is this "Foreclosure" dude? And what is he running for?
I just reseeded my lawn with goth grass.
It cuts itself...
Maybe if the grass in my front yard had depression, it would mow itself.
What do you call a cheesy baby deer on your lawn in the morning?
Fawn dew.
What's Irish and sits on your lawn?
Paddy-O Furniture
What will Tesla call their electric lawnmower?
E-Mow
What happens when the weeds take over your lawn?
A coup de grass.
What's Irish and lounges on your lawn all night after your St. Patrick's Day party?
Patty O'furniture
Thanks for the lawn job, amigo!
Have you heard about the new Emo-grass for your lawn?
It cuts itself.
What's red, triangular and flies over the lawn?
A red pyramid.
What's black, triangular and flies over the lawn?
...
The shadow of the red pyramid.
The German Shepherd from next door keeps pooping on my lawn; This morning he even brought his buddy!
What are those pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida called?
"Faux-mingos"!
Turns out he's just searching for his canine companion.
What do you call the terminology describing lawn decorations?
I walked out to the yard and saw my father digging a deep pit. There was still water at the bottom of the hole.
"What in the world is that, dad?"
"Well, son."
"Yes, dad?
A woman walks into a hardware store to purchase a hinge for a door.
She places the hinge on the counter, and the man asks, "Pardon me ma'am, would you like to screw for that hinge?"
And she responds, "No, but I'll give you a blow job for that lawn mower.
I was grilling a steak earlier, and the aroma of the juices made my mouth water.
Got me thinking... Do vegetarians have the same effect when mowing a lawn?
What did the cobbler say to get the Slavs off his lawn?
Shoe polish
Why did the child only water half of the lawn?
Because there was a 50% chance of rain!
I asked her what she was doing and she said "I saw your browser history! Get out of my life you pervert!"
I thought this was absolutely insane!
When the heck did they start teaching words like "pervert" to eight year-olds?
What would you call a forward-thinking rock band that performs trippy Spanish guitar on your front yard?
Pink Flamenco
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, "Stay off the Grass.
They are both steaming piles of crap.
Why can't your grass be 3 feet tall?
'Cause then it'd be a yard.
What do you call a blue bird that's been run over by a lawnmower?
Shredded tweet.
I'll see myself out.
Two hillbillies were sipping moonshine on the front porch. When a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. "I'm gonna do that when I win that their lottery," announced hillbilly #1. "Do what?" asked hillbilly #2. "Send my lawn out to get mowed.
Anyone can use my lawn mower anytime, just as long as they don't leave my yard!
My son asked me if I wanted him to gently water my lawn. I said, "just dew it.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing his lawn.
He'll have to mow around me. I'm not budging.
Two guys are strolling down the street and spot a dog on the lawn, licking his balls.
One guy turns to the other, "Wow, I sure wish I could do that".
The other guy responds, "Don't you think you should ask permission first?"
I despise it when my neighbor mows the lawn at 7 in the morning. One Saturday morning, I get woken up by my neighbor's mower going at 7 in the morning. I have a pretty bad hangover and I just decide screw him, he can cut around me.
I couldn't believe it when I glanced out my window and witnessed my visually challenged neighbor mowing his lawn. It was blind-mowing!
What did the grumpy old British man use to keep kids off his lawn?
Sod-off shotgun
Jason Momoa ran over my lawnmower.
He was chasing my mower.
What will Tesla call their electric lawnmower?
E-Mow
I just sold a lawnmower on Craigslist... That's the last time my neighbor is going to wake me up on a Saturday morning!
Put your hand under them and you'll understand.
What did the monkey say after his tail got caught in the lawnmower?
It won't be too long now!
I had to break up with my girlfriend after I ran over her toes with a lawnmower...
I'm dairy intolerant.
Gas prices are so expensive these days I poured vodka in my lawnmower, now my grass is only half cut.
"He's going through a rough patch" she said...
Title: The Kinky Lawnmower's Turn On
What did the kinky lawnmower say to get excited?
Choke me daddy
No matter how much I like a movie, I can only give it one thumb up.
I heard my lawnmower was going on a rampage...
It was going on a grassacre
[Grassacre, grass massacre](#spoiler)
What do you do when your lawnmower stops functioning?
Deport it.
What's the difference between the Argentina national team and a lawnmower?
You can't mow the lawnmower on choke for 95 minutes!
My lawnmower is officially kinkier than I am!
What do you get when you mix a highway with a lawnmower?
Mowed down.
My neighbors all call me "The Lawnmower Whisperer."
Communicating with lawnmowers is pretty easy, actually. All you have to do is say, "Hello, how are you, Juan?"
A woman brought her husband to the doctor.
The woman said, "Doctor, for the past eight months my husband has believed he's a lawnmower."
"Eight months?!" the doctor exclaimed. "Why on earth didn't you bring him in sooner?!"
The wife responded, "Because the neighbor only just returned him this morning.
A Mexican with a raging hard-on walks into a wall. What part hits the wall first?
The lawnmower.
A woman buys a picture frame from the hardware store.
The store clerk says, "Would you like a screw for that?"
She replies, "No, but I'd suck your cock for a lawnmower!
I bought my wife some new vibrators for Christmas.
A vacuum cleaner, a toaster, and a leaf blower.
A Mexican with an erection runs into a wall, what does he break?
His lawnmower.
A Jew with an erection runs into a wall, what does he break?
His nose.
A Thai woman runs into a wall, what does she break?
Her erection.
Why did the frog hop under the lawnmower?
He wanted to Kermit suicide.
I just saw a man slouched over a lawnmower crying his eyes out.
He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a tough patch.
What do you call a blue bird that's been run over by a lawnmower?
Shredded chirp.
I'll see myself out.
The band Static X just invented a lawn mower;
Yeah, you push it.
I placed an ancient lawn mower out on the road, with a "FREE" sign next to it.
Someone came and took the sign, but left the mower.
Guess I should have been more precise...
Tesla has just announced their new lawn mower: E Lawn!
A woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door. She places the hinge on the counter, and the man says, "Pardon me lady, do you want to screw for that hinge?" And she replies, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower.
Who earns more money? A lawnmower or a fisherman?
The lawnmower... he gets grass income while the fisherman gets net income.
For her birthday I bought my wife a variety of vibrators...
A dishwasher, a washing machine and a leaf blower.
I ran over my neighbor's foot with a lawn mower today...
Guess I need to bury him deeper.
Anyone can borrow my lawn mower at any time, as long as they don't leave my yard.
I ran over my mother-in-law's foot the other day with the lawn mower. I told my wife we should have buried her deeper.
What's gray and red and goes 100 mph?
A baby bunny being ejected from my lawnmower.
Three Mexicans, a lawn mower, two leaf blowers, and half a dozen rakes will fit in a peecup (pickup with a Spanish accent).
Anna A, Anna B.
What was Lawrence Welk's preferred mountain range? The Polkanos.
Why didn't Johnny Lawrence's sensei have any children? Irons became so popular in the 1960s that not a single girl had a Kreese in her pants.
I heard there's gonna be a follow-up to Lawrence of Arabia.
They're naming it Lawrence of Two Rabbits.
...I don't know about all that, but I did bathe after I arrived.
Sensei Lawrence: "What's so funny, Mr. Tyson?"
Mike Tyson: "Sorry, Sensei, you wouldn't understand."
Sensei Lawrence: "Try me."
Mike Tyson: "It's a hiss-terical joke."
Sensei Lawrence: *looks confused* "What's a hiss-terical joke?"
Mike Tyson: "THHHHHHHHHH"
On the one hand I feel bad that Jennifer Lawrence's privacy was invaded, but on the other hand...well that hand is occupied.
Billie Piper has ruled out a comeback to Dr Who and escapades in the TARDIS...
She mentioned that if she wanted to spend time with an oddly-dressed smarty-pants who always led them into mishaps, she'd marry Lawrence Fox.
Lawrence: Mom, did you know that our housekeeper is an angel?
Mom: Why do you say that?
Lawrence: I saw her naked today with her hands on the wall screaming, "Oh my goodness, I'm coming!" If it wasn't for Dad holding her tightly from behind, she would have gone to heaven.
My goal in life is to turn negatives into positives... which is how I got fired from the AIDS clinic. - By Andrew Lawrence
What do you call a Middle Eastern man who's really skilled at dining?
Lawrence of the labia.
Question: What did Elmer Fudd do when Jennifer Lawrence stood up?
Answer: He said, "Wook, a wabbit!
Why did the coffee lose the court case?
Because it had no legal grounds.
To celebrate winning a lawsuit over a fake injury, you drink sham-pain.
I coined a fresh term.
Plagiarism.
---
EDIT : This joke was fabricated by me and copyrighted. Get ready to steal it and a lawsuit shall discover you.
Why don't lawsuits drag on forever?
Because most lawyers have briefcases.
I’m concerned about this lawsuit against Madison Cawthorn. I just don’t see him strolling away from this one.
Sounds like a baby is just trying to grab some cash.
Why do lawsuits against sand and silt never make it to court? Because sediment always settles.
Judge threw out a lawsuit against Starbucks
because the Plaintiff had no grounds.
Heads explode because you've just won a verdict against the judgment-free zone.
How did the geologist win his court case?
By capitalizing on the quartz system.
He told a "your father" joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he had come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.
I have no idea which way it will swing, but I'm going to bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decides whether someone's father is fair use or public domain...
Donald Trump's lawsuits are like his regular suits,
They all hinge on something useless.
A deaf guy lost a lawsuit. He wasn't even aware that there was a hearing.
The sue-nami.
A man who is suing Folgers has grounds to press charges.
What do you call a legal action against a zombie?
Deceased and desist.
I'm organizing a class action lawsuit against Huggies and Pampers.
Their diapers never hold the 22-37 pounds they claim.
Did you hear about the most recent Calvin Klein lawsuit?
Yeah - but it wasn't much of a suit. It was actually a briefcase.
My brief lawsuit against the airport baggage claim was swiftly thrown out; They made another suitcase disappear.
Caitlyn Jenner is filing a lawsuit for sexual harassment
Claims that she's constantly being groped by Bruce Jenner.
What type of attire do Karens sport?
A lawsuit.
...because curiosity killed the cat!
The toughest part about being an opera conductor is people calling you after every performance and asking you to send them pictures of your pianist.
So many lawsuits...
The judge replied, "Of course! How can we start when you've forgotten your lawsuit?"
I read the other day that Penn State has spent $237 million defending the university during the Sandusky lawsuit. Think of how many people’s education that would pay for.
At least 4 or 5.
If you're going to file a lawsuit against the Federal Reserve what medicine should you take?
Tylenol
And that medication, folks, is Sudafed®.
Not just any suit, a lawsuit.
According to legal analysts, he must "car-ma.
Asiana Airlines is suing KTVU for their improper and racist names that were mistakenly aired on Friday 7/12...," said Asiana's lawyer, Wi Su Yu.
I got sent to court over a missing suit;
Long story short, I lost the case as well.
I Spy, with my little eye a lawsuit from Apple for trademark infringement.
A lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery. He asked, “Why are all the windows covered in here?” The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a disaster.”
What’s the distinction between a good attorney and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Come on guys, don't mock Amber Heard's attorney;
He most likely receives plenty of abuse from her already
Q: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet under?
A: Because deep down they're actuality good people.
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?
A father-in-law
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty million has a chance at becoming a decent human being.
Me: I'm not saying a single word without my lawyer present; Cop: You ARE the lawyer; Me: So where's my gift?!
Your Honor!
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Governor!
Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To hold the briefs back.
A man walks into a lawyer’s office and inquires, “Hey, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer replies, “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
The man says, “Wow, that seems a tad steep, doesn’t it?”
“Indeed,” the lawyer responds. “Now, what’s your third question?”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."
The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
There's skid marks behind the skunk.
A lawyer, comedian and a war hero walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "what can I get for you, Mr. Zelensky?"
Credit to u/DrDerpberg
Another guy in the bar says "hey watch what you say". First guy says "why are you a lawyer". Guy says "no I'm an asshole"
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Upon receiving his drink he mutters: "all lawyers are jerks." A guy down the bar angrily yells: "HEY!" "Oh I'm sorry, are you a lawyer?" The man replies. "No I'm a jerk!"
What’s a trait you seek in a good lawyer?
Lie-ability.
(Just starting out in comedy and testing a few of my jokes here).
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets stronger.
A man encounters a gorgeous woman in a bar and says to her, "Hey, I'm a lawyer."
"Honest?" the woman inquires.
"No, no. Just the standard kind," he responded.
Why are there no Irish attorneys?
They can't pass the bar.
A man asked a lawyer what his cheapest service was. "For $100 I answer three questions," the lawyer replied. "Don't you think that's a bit outrageous?" the man asked. "Yes. What's your final question?
Why are lawyers buried ten meters down instead of only two meters?
To give them a head start.
How many attorneys does it take to change a lightbulb?
The jury's still out on that one.
Me: "No, she's looking for me."
I dated a lawyer before;
Makes cents.
She had a reputation for settling.
When I become a lawyer I want to represent a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, obviously my client is not a flight risk.”
A new attorney walks into a diner.
“Where's the bar?” she asks. A waiter replies, “You passed it before you arrived.”
What's the dissimilarity between a lawyer and a catfish?
One's a slime-sucking bottom-feeder. The other's a fish.
Why did Saskatchewan get all the nuclear waste and Ontario is full of lawyers?
Saskatchewan had first pick.
Let's all take a moment to thank Amber Heard's team of lawyers for their tireless efforts and hard work to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.
Why is it a bad idea to drive a van with 2 lawyers off a cliff?
Because you could have fit 20 of them.
I'm reading Thomas King's book "Obsidian" and there's a line in it that asks "Why do lawyers look like psychopaths? Because they don't want to resemble politicians."
The Bible says quite a bit about lawyers. You should definitely prosecute them. It's written in Leviticus that you must stone those individuals who engage in dishonest practices.
A man strides into a bar and gulps down three shots of whiskey.
The man boldly declares, "All lawyers are jerks!"
A large, muscular man beside him at the bar spins around and says, "Retract that statement."
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a jerk.
What pronouns do Amber Heard’s attorneys prefer?
Hear/say
I displayed the shabby wreckage of my luggage to my attorney and said, "I want to sue the airline."
"You don't have a suitcase," he replied.
A pair of hot blonde twins walk past them.
The first attorney turns to the second lawyer and says, "you know, we should attempt to seduce those girls."
The second lawyer says, "Out of which?"
What do you call 100 lawyers skydiving?
Skeet.
What do you call a lawyer who is forklift certified?
A shyster on a Hyster!
What is a lawyer's preferred beverage?
Subpoena colada
What did the attorney say to the Dentist?
"Do you swear to extract the tooth, the entire tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"
It’s true women do make less money than men, but it’s their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs. Men, for instance, choose the higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer. Whereas women choose the lower-paying jobs like lady doctor and lady lawyer.
How do you prevent a lawyer from bleeding out?
Legal kit.
Why can't Irishmen become lawyers?
They can never get past the bar.
A lawyer calls Mickey Mouse and tells him,
"Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because you say she is crazy."
Mickey responds, "I didn't say she is crazy, I said she is freaking goofy."
I passed the bar? Which one? I better go back!
What's the difference between a snake and a lawyer?
Snakes don't wear watches.
Why do attorneys love pirates? Because they make the best "aye" witnesses.
Nobody knows for certain. As soon as the light turns on, they all scatter.
Satan said, "If you promise me your soul and the souls of everyone in your family, I shall make you a full partner in your firm."
The lawyer said, "So, what's the deal?"
The lawyer says, "So you're divorcing Minnie because she's completely insane?"
Mickey huffs and says, "No! I'm divorcing her because she's screwing Goofy!"
A attorney saw a bunch of homeless people eating grass... He goes over and asks them why are they doing so and they tell him that they are homeless and have nothing to eat. Eager to help them out he escorts them to his mansion.. They are very happy and thankful.. He takes one look at them, grins;
And tells them "this is my lawn, eat as much as you want, I won't charge you."
What's the distinction between a highly paid attorney doing meth in a penthouse and a inexpensive prostitute doing meth in a motel?
About half a year.
My lawyer gave me excellent advice; he always said I should never apologize if it's not my fault because I could be admitting liability and landed with a huge bill. However, his uncle died recently, and I sent him a sympathy card, and my trial starts next week.
On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has turned religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a serious expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "searching for a loophole.
The defendant told his lawyer, "Well, so is 20-50 years!" he responded.
How does a lawyer get rid of their cancer?
They file a cease and desist.
Why are lawyers always so constipated?
Lack of ethical fiber.
A: Because deep down they're actually good people.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty million has a shot at becoming a human being.
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."
The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
Another guy in the bar says "hey watch what you say". First guy says "why are you a lawyer". Guy says "no I'm an asshole"
Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To hold the paycheck back.
Why are attorneys buried ten meters down instead of only two meters?
To give them a head start.
How many attorneys does it take to change a lightbulb?
The jury is still out on that one.
Why is it a bad idea to drive a van with 2 lawyers off a cliff?
Because you could have squeezed in 20 of them!
What pronouns do Amber Heard's attorneys prefer? they prefer hear/say.
The Bible has some strong opinions about lawyers - it actually says you should stone them! In Leviticus, it commands that any man who lies with another man should be stoned.
Two attorneys are strolling down the street. A pair of hot blonde twins walk past them. The first lawyer turns to the second attorney and says, "you know, we should attempt to romance those ladies." The second lawyer says, "Out of what?
What do you call 100 lawyers skydiving?
Parachutes.
Why don't sharks devour lawyers?
Out of professional courtesy.
Why did Saskatchewan end up with all the nuclear waste while Ontario is packed with lawyers? Saskatchewan got to choose first.
Let's all take a moment to thank Amber Heard's team of lawyers for their efforts and hard work in proving Johnny Depp's innocence.
Why can't Irishmen be attorneys?
They can never get past the bar.
Why do lawyers adore pirates? Because they make the best "aye" witnesses.
How many attorneys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Nobody knows for sure. As soon as the light turns on, they all scatter.
A man walks into a bar and gulps down three shots of whiskey.
The man loudly states, "All lawyers are jerks!"
A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."
"Why? Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I'm a jerk.
Two attorneys walk into a bar;
They order a couple of drinks and take subs out of their briefcases. They start to eat.
Seeing this, the irate bartender exclaims, "Excuse me but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The two look at each other, shrug, then exchange sandwiches.
I'm reading Thomas King's book "Obsidian" and there's a line in it that asks: "Why do lawyers resemble psychopaths? Because they don't want to appear like politicians."
What kind of underwear do lawyers wear?
Legal boxers.
How do attorneys sleep? They lie on one side then proceed to lie on the other.
Lawyers don't have underwear drawers, they use briefcases.
Angrily, another customer gets up and yells back "Watch your language! That is offensive to me!"
The first man responds and laughs "Are you upset because I called you an idiot???!!!"
The angry patron says "No! I'm offended you compared me to a lawyer!
Two lawyers are in a restaurant enjoying their sandwiches.
The owner walks in and exclaims, "You can't eat your own lunch in here!"
The lawyers groan and exchange sandwiches.
Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes;
Me: I wish for a world without attorneys
Genie: Done, you have no more wishes
Me: But you said 3
Genie: Litigate against me.
Why are vegans and lawyers alike?
Because every day they wake up and try to persuade everyone that they are right.
How many lawyers does it take to lubricate a combine harvester?
Just one, but you have to squeeze them through really slowly.
Why did Washington, D.C. end up with all the lawyers and New Jersey end up with all the toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey had the first choice.
That their profession is actually referred to as "practicing" law.
Satan said, "If you promise me your soul & the souls of everyone in your family, I shall make you a full partner in your firm."
The lawyer responded, "So, what's the hitch?"
A husband and wife had a disagreement. Wife called her mom: He argued with me again, I am coming to stay with you. Mom replied: No dear, he must pay for his error. I am coming to stay with you!
I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law who lives at 324 3rd St. in Los Angeles. She gets off at 6.
I said no, 6 should be enough.
My mother-in-law came for a visit so I asked her, "How long do you plan to stay?"
"Just until I start getting on your nerves," she replied.
"Oh, so you won't even stay for a cup of tea?
I've spent the last 10 years searching for my mother-in-law's murderer...
But nobody wants to do it!
As I was collecting my mother in law from the airport, I asked her, "So, how long do you reckon you'll be staying with us?" She replied, "Well... for as long as you tolerate." "Not even for coffee??
Passive-Aggressive Psycho turns 5 next month
Why did the mother-in-law cross the road?
She thought it was a property line.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday; she was a moving target!
I love being a sniper.
- "She's in the garden."
- "Where? I can't see her."
- "You have to dig a little."
A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a kitty, not a damn photocopier.
My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot, but returned it a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said a single word," she complained.
"I haven't had a darn chance to!" replied the parrot.
My mother-in-law came down from the North of England to visit for Christmas.
I told her, "You should consider moving farther South."
She was very touched until she realized I meant Antarctica.
My mother-in-law got pulled over. The cop asked, "Whats in the bottle?" She says, "water." He says, "it looks like wine!" She's like, "Praise the Lord, Jesus did it again!
During Christmas, a man had just opened gifts from his mother in law and she asks, "where's mine?"
He responds, "I didn't buy you anything this year."
Visibly upset, she asks why.
He replies, "you never utilized what I purchased for you last year."
She shouts, " it was a burial plot!"
The other cannibal replies "Well, then just eat the noodles"
I bought my mother-in-law a massage chair for her birthday... But my wife wouldn't let me plug it in.
My mother-in-law once told me that beauty is only skin deep; she must have been born inside-out...
My Mother in Law tumbled down a wishing well.
I was astounded. I never knew they actually worked.
I discovered my mother-in-law has weekly sessions with Satan himself on how to be even more savage.
I have no idea what kind of fees she's charging him.
My mother-in-law said she wanted to die a natural death. So I've just dropped her off in the jungle.
What do you call it when you arrive late to dinner at your Mother in Law's?
Postponing the inedible.
My mother in law asked for a birthday "something to use in the bath". Too bad she didn't like my toaster...
My mother-in-law suffers from acute diabetes and hay fever....
I always try to lift her spirits with chocolate and flowers.
Little Johnny called his mother-in-law a chubby cow during dinner and immediately received a gentle slap on the head from his father. But not too hard, as they had previously agreed.
My mother-in-law is Spanish, so when we named our son "Mucho" it really meant a lot to her.
Oh, I didn't expect you at work today Mr. Brundy, isn't it your mother-in-law's funeral today?
"Well, you know how it is. Work first, then enjoyment.
My mother-in-law is like a treasure,
I feel a strong urge to bury her on a deserted island.
Shoot once more.
My mother-in-law started talking to the elephant in the room, so I asked her why she was having a conversation with herself.
My mother-in-law just joined Reddit. I want to take this opportunity to let her know how much I truly love and appreciate all she does for me and my wife.
Because you don't turn your back on kinfolks.
In George Orwell's novel 1984, why were e-girls banned? Because it was a thotcrime.
When cryptography is outlawed; bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
This decision comes after a lot of contemplation.
The United States finally banned the waterboarding of suspected terrorists! They've decided to substitute it with a more politically correct interrogation approach: Tactical Baptism.
Did you hear that Satan banned scales?
I know, when I heard it, I thought to myself, "There's no weigh in Hell."
A king banned hunting in his kingdom;
Pretty soon, deer and elk populations were out of control, devouring the peasants' crops and becoming a general nuisance. The people rebelled and overthrew the king, thus making it the first time in history a reign had been called on account of game.
Did you know they banned round bales of hay?
Because the cows weren't receiving a square meal.
Yep. The cows weren't receiving a square meal.
**Great road trip joke—never gets old* ^(to ^me)
What do you call a spouse's relative with a restraining order? An outlawed in-law.
If you borrow someone's joke from this sub,
Men may come repossess and delete.
They act as a mod (for it is forbidden),
And they reside on Repo St.
I used to sell farming tools... until they banned slavery.
What is the distinction between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are desired!
An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang
The gang leader says, "Well, do you have a bike?"
"Sure! I just purchased a new Harley!"
"Are you okay with drugs?"
"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"
"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the police?"
"No, but I got swung around by the boobs once!
Reverse cowgirl is about to be banned in Alabama. Why? Because you don't turn your back on family.
Do you know the distinction between in-laws and outlaws?
At least the outlaws are desired by someone.
Credit: My dad.
In George Orwell's novel 1984, why were e-girls forbidden? Because it was a thotcrime.
Did you hear about the criminal who became a dentist?
He stole from his patients at gum-point.
At this morning's press conference, Ron DeSantis announced that the state of Florida will be outlawing the consumption and distribution of coffee.
He went on to condemn the beverage as a ploy of the WOKE agenda.
The outlaw responded "it's not big enough for one of you."
What does a cabbage bandit have?
A reward on his head.
This decision comes after a lot of contemplation.
The United States has finally banned the waterboarding of suspected terrorists! They've opted for a more politically correct interrogation approach: Tactical Baptism.
When cryptography is outlawed, jocularly will have significantrouble.
What's the distinction between in-laws and outlaws? The outlaws are wanted. *shoutout to the customer who called in and finished the phone call with a joke to spread some cheer*
...he keeps rambling about how he wants to make America grate again...
What gun would Jesus ban first?
A nail gun
I know, when I heard it, I thought to myself, "There's no weigh in Heck."
Republicans are trying to insert an amendment into the relief bill to ban prepackaged shredded cheese... in an effort to make America grate again.
Why did the Vatican declare pirates were criminals? Because the cabin boy wouldn't share his loot!
In unrelated news, the Powerball jackpot is $126 million dollars! You can't win if you don't play!
A king banned hunting in his kingdom;
Pretty soon, deer and elk populations were out of control, munching on the commoners' crops and becoming a general nuisance. The people rebelled and dethroned the king, thus marking the first time in history a monarchy had been overthrown due to animal activity.
These four states are all against the Oklahoma "panhandler.
What do Freddie Mercury and a Chinese bandit have in common?
Raw men took 'em both out.
Did you know they banned round bales of hay?
Because the cows weren't getting a square meal.
The Old West sheriff and his deputy are searching for the outlaw gang... and find them holed up in a cabin in the hills. The sheriff sends his deputy back to town for help. Some time later the deputy returns, driving a wagon containing all the women from the town brothel. The sheriff says, "Dang it, Earl. I told you to bring my posse.
It may be difficult for many, but for all intents and porpoises, it'll be okay.
He died from roasting Terry.
The worst thing about God is that he bans masturbation. But if you don't believe in him,
I guess you can go screw yourself.
Did you hear about the notorious bank robbers in the old wild west? One of them married the other one's sister.
They were both outlaws and in-laws.
Yep, The cows weren't getting a block meal.
**Great road trip joke—always stays funny* ^(to ^me)
What do you call a spouse's family member with a restraining order? An outlawed in-law.
An elderly woman strolls into a biker bar;
One of the bikers promptly approaches her and informs her that this is a private bar for outlaw bikers ONLY.
"Well, I've skirted the law a few times in my day" replies the elderly woman.
"Yeah? You ever been nabbed by the fuzz?"
"No... but I've been spun around by the girls a few times.
As you grow older, you will start to see that people's morality is not necessarily connected to their relationship with the law.
While the outlaws are bad, the in-laws can be much worse.
Two bandits are strolling through the woods one spooky night.
"Man, it's really eerie out here," says the first criminal.
"How do you think I feel?" asks his partner. "I have to walk back by myself."
I used to peddle farming equipment... until they banned slavery.
Why do your in-laws become dangerous after a divorce?
They turn into outlaws
What antivirus does a pirate use?
Avast, ye scoundrels!
Why did the woman get high as a kite?
Because she was under Sharia Law.
...are discussing some of the finer points of Sharia law. The first exclaims after a silent minute of intense research, "Huh, I guess you were correct!"
The second says "Ayatollah!"
I'm talking to my daughter, sister in law, and my dad just now.
SIL: Have you ever had a pedicure?
Daughter: oh yeah I have.
Me: I've given her a pedicure before.
Dad: so I guess you could call yourself a... foot expert.
*Ugh* thanks dad.
And yes, this actually just happened.
Isn't it strange when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?
Anyway, my sister-in-law just caught me laughing.
Last week I kissed my sister in law;
This week I cuddled my brother in geography.
My sister-in-law received the COVID vaccine yesterday.
Her 5G signal has never been better!
We've been married for 15 years and finally discovered the G spot.
Turns out my sister-in-law had it all along.
I asked my sister in law (who's a nurse) why she always carries a red marker with her. She tells me, "Oh, it's in case I have to draw blood.
What do you call a nun who becomes a lawyer?
A sister-in-law.
What do you call Coleslaw that was made incorrectly?
Murphy Slaw!
Normally, I'm not one to take sides, but they were so distracted by arguing that I stole her fries and his coleslaw...
Vegan: "That chicken had a family!"
Me: "That's why I ordered the party size bucket. No one gets left behind!"
Plus, I got free coleslaw.
Why can't cabbages sprint quickly? They move in coleslaw motion.
Slaught-awful.
I know. It's cabbage.
I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a massive head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, chopped, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I tossed a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail -- then I flung a bag of carrots, but nothing would stop it! In the end...
I fought the slaw and the slaw won.
A truck flipped over this morning spilling cabbage all over the highway.
It was terrible! I coleslaw it happen!
Slaw la la la laaa, la la la laaaaaa.
A mother-in-law knocks on the door, her son-in-law opens it...
MIL: Hi Gabe, I'm here for a visit.
Gabe: Cool. How long are you here for?
MIL: I don't know, as long as you want me to.
Gabe: You mean you won't even stay for a cup of coffee?
Unlawful = Against the rules
Illegal = A sick duck
Reckless flatulence is illegal in Stockholm...
That's why I always make sure to have good pedal control.
Unfortunately, my "free hugs" crusade isn't going well at the moment.
Unlawful includes activities like drunk driving or robbery, whereas illegal is a sick chicken.
An undocumented Aryan.
There's one instance where a middle eastern food truck was using organ meat instead of chickpeas!
Yeah, the illegal falafel was awful offal.
Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.
If a cop enters your house, trips and starts convulsing....
Is that an illegal search and seizure?
What do you call a beer sprint but for when it’s White Claw?
A seltzer sprint.
I think individuals who consume White Claw now are the same ones who gave me grief for sipping on a Smirnoff Ice instead of beer. And I believe they owe me an apology.
What do you call a nail salon in a gentrified neighborhood?
White Claw.
I never knew he was a drug dealer!
I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any alcohol, forbidden guns or illegal drugs.
I took him aside and asked him "What do you need?
I went to a new doctor and the first thing they said to me was...
"Do you drink, smoke, or do any illegal drugs?"
I replied, "I'm game for anything, we should chill sometime.
Why is prostitution illegal? Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outshining them.
Why is jumping off a bridge illegal in China?
Destruction of government property.
Steal and run is a felony.
If being cool was against the law I'd be a outlaw, - not because I'm cool but because I shot my wife.
Before I got arrested, I said, "Wait, I can clarify everything!
So I was like nah, more like pirate and booty.
How does Donald Trump plan on deporting millions of illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan
If self-pleasure were illegal, a lot of men would be taking the law into their own hands.
Why is “reverse cowgirl” illegal in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on family.
Bob Marley must be laughing in his grave.
Trading humans like mere goods is highly illegal and immoral.
Unless you are a soccer team manager.
A man is on a street corner in Moscow shouting, "The president is a moron!"
Police surround him and handcuff him. They say, "It is illegal to insult President Putin."
He says, "You don't understand, I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting."
The police captain says, "you can't fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is!"
I live in an unlawful state and I recently found a tiny bag of weed in the parking lot outside my workplace. Since drugs are against the law and I am a good and responsible citizen, I promptly took the bag home and annihilated the weed... in a series of small fires.
I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal.
Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.
It's now illegal to count anything in Afghanistan....
They have a Taliban
Patient: "They took our jabs!"
In Afghanistan, they've outlawed counting the votes cast in any election. It's the Tally Ban.
However, in Alabama, it's perfectly legal to peg-a-sis.
It's illegal to hunt whales in Arizona because Arizona is landlocked. They made the law to protect your mom.
Instead of being stuck with 18 years of child support, you'll only have to pay for 3.
Did you know being hard of hearing is heavily illegal?
It's a felony punishable by deaf.
Fake diamonds should be banned... after all, they're "carbon duplicates.
What do you call a frog illegally parked?
Toad
I got arrested for illegal fishing even though there was clearly no "fishing forbidden" sign... apparently that's "crystal clear" if you're in a hotel lobby with an aquarium.
A man made an illegal U-turn at a red light while taking his son to school. He exclaimed, "Oh snap! I just made an illegal U-turn!"
The son responded, "Don't worry, dad. The police car behind us did the exact same thing!
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...
...then my unauthorized logging business is a success.
In Mother Russia, it's illegal to produce storage drives with exactly 1000 Gigabytes of capacity because the KGB takes identity theft seriously.
A poll was taken in California, asking if people thought illegal immigration was a serious issue. 29 percent said, "Yes, it is a serious problem."
71 percent said, "No, it's not a serious issue."
The illegal immigrants protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth.
Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.
Did you know it's illegal to water your plants in China? It causes the microphones to corrode.
Did you know it’s against the law to chuckle loudly in Hawaii?
When you’re there you gotta keep it to a lo ha.
Why is smoking banned in the Shire?
Because it's a terrible hobbit.
I don't like to talk about illegal immigration too much. Because that's crossing a line.
Having abortions illegal in 2 states could mean that sex without conception could potentially be premeditated attempted murder.
I got a parking ticket the other day for parking illegally. Not sure why. The sign clearly said "Fine for parking.
Unlawful = Against the law
Illegal = A nauseous bird
Dear Pirate,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
Sincerely,
The Internet Police
It's against the law to tell a joke to Optimus Prime.
You could get hit with vehicular manslaughter.
Why is bribery illegal in elections?
Because you actually get what you were promised.
I got stopped at the border and the guard asked me if I had any alcohol, illegal weapons or narcotics.
I took him aside and asked him, "What do you need?"
In Saudi Arabia, only homosexuals get stoned.
It's a PC PC.
Why was the undocumented immigrant so offensive?
Because he crossed the border.
Dear Sir/Madam,
We be cuttin' yer internet connection due to the followin' reasons:
Bootleg Downloadin
Illegal immigrants do jobs that Americans don't want.
Like marrying Donald Trump.
I was attempting to cross a river into Canada illegally, but I couldn't decide whether to Row Vs Waddle.
Did you hear how the underground market gets their hands on illegal tampons?
They had to tug on some strings.
It's against the law to reach the end of a rainbow;
If you discover it, you go to prism.
Prostitution is illegal in most of the U.S., but if you record it and call it porn then it's okay.
It may be against the law to steal kitchen utensils, but what can I say? I'm a spatula taker.
What's the contrast between E.T and undocumented immigrants?
E.T effectively learned English and wanted to return home.
What do you call a person who illegally transports cups?
A cup smuggler!
My uncle is furious that he lost his job to an undocumented immigrant;
It took him ages to find a job that doesn't require a third-grade education or a background check.
I mean, why else would all these naughty singles in my neighborhood be ready to chat.
I never knew he was a drug dealer.
So apparently drinking alcohol is illegal these days. Just got stopped for it.
Trump actually went through with his scheme to eliminate illegal immigrants:
By making America so terrible that they'll depart voluntarily.
Why are there so few crimes in Germany? Because it's verboten. Thank you, kind stranger, for the gold. I will put it in my grandchildren's savings account, of course. The thing with the anti-joke is that it's not really an anti-joke in German, which makes it even more hilarious for, you know... Germans.
Illegal immigration jokes are border wall offensive!
Why don’t unauthorized immigrants ever cross the border in groups of three?
Because of all the "No Trespassing" signs that are posted.
I thought I had pirated software in my fridge but then I realized...
It's open source
I've got a new job at Gatwick Airport. I patrol the runways on a horse and take down any illegal flying devices in the area.
I'll be known as The Drone Sheriff.
What's a Pirate's least favorite letter?
Dear Customer,
Due to recent illegal activities that have been performed through your connection, your internet service has been permanently disconnected.
Sincerely, your ISP.
Bernie Sanders confronted the leader of the NSA and asked him why they are still unlawfully surveilling Americans.
The man responded, "Some folks just enjoy watching the world, Bern.
I was unlawfully hunting for mushrooms.
I have suspicious morels.
Dataminer? That's ill eagle!
They are too young to mate.
I don't like to illegally download music.
I'm afraid I'll get caught.
Just wait until Excel gets out...
I know this is a terrible joke, but it just came to me and I had to share it. Thank you, Reddit.
Building electric vehicles is illegal in Africa, so I Ghana.
I illegally downloaded the film Bohemian Rhapsody yesterday, it's terrible quality. All I can see is a tiny silhouette of a man.
What do you call an undocumented immigrant living in Sweden? An artificial Swedener.
The owner says "GET THE FUCK OUT!"
The Republican responds "Yeah! That's the one!"
What's the distinction between lawful and unlawful marijuana? One originates from the farm, the other from the pharmacy.
The two most illegal drugs in Duckville are Weed and Quack.
Masturbation is the only thing not taxed, regulated, or illegal; so feel free to go pleasure yourself!
There's an old saying: "Sikh and you will be fined"
I just discovered that insomnia is against the law in my hometown. They refer to it as "resisting a rest.
What do you call an unauthorized game show?
Steal or No Steal
It turns out the iPhone 7 is unlawful.
It got deported
I know it's illegal for me to distill my own alcohol...
But anyway.
Mum despised that it was against the law to strike me as a child, so she gave birth to conjoined twins: two for the price of one!
I suppose if you can't smack 'em...
Why is lithium forbidden? Because it's a salty and shocking experience.
I heard Germany is going to make robot driven cars illegal on their highways. It's going to be called the auto-ban.
Which socks are the most outlawed?
Stockings.
Before I got arrested, I said, "Hold on, I can explain everything!
So I was like, no, more like pirate and booty.
What happens if a frog parks illegally?
It gets toad.
Not sure why. The sign clearly said "Fine for parking here".
What is a pirate's LEAST favorite number?
Dear Sir or Madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your membership, pending further investigation.
Sincerely,
The Internet Service Provider
What do you call a person who illegally transports mugs?
A smuggler
I was attempting to cross a river into Canada illegally, but I couldn't decide whether to Row or Wade.
The guy responded, "Some people just enjoy watching the world, Bern."
I was unlawfully hunting for mushrooms.
I have suspicious morels.
I don't like to illegally download music.
I'm scared I'll get FLACKY.
I illegally downloaded the movie Bohemian Rhapsody yesterday. It's in such poor quality that all I can see is a tiny silhouette of a man.
What do you call it when someone bakes bread illegally?
Baking Bad
I prefer unlawfully downloading BangBros videos over watching free sites. It feels more like I'm the one making love to the adult film stars.
Que pasa? Trespassers
Why did the man get arrested after illegally downloading "Every Breath You Take"?
The file was made by The Police as part of a Sting operation.
When you illegally smuggle a Huawei phone into America,
You are on the Huawei to hell.
A man attempted to keep two crows illegally as pets!
He was arrested for attempted homicide.
I used to sneakily give marijuana to my award-winning cows, but I had to quit;
The steaks were too high
Did you hear about the Toronto baseball player who got busted for illegally crossing the street?
Jaywalking
If I download a song illegally from Jamaica, does that make me a pirate of the Caribbean?
A parking enforcement officer just put a curse on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally. "you will be toad
What do you call someone who threatens legal action against a karate dojo?
Chop suey
When I received my gun license, the first thing I did was chop off a bear's front legs. No legal action was taken because I had the right to bear arms.
I made love to a woman without her consent last night.
I have a fetish for legal paperwork.
My teacher included these on our Word of the Day test in class today.
What sickness did everyone on the Enterprise catch? Chicken Spocks!
What creatures are on legal papers? Seals!
What's a polygon? A deceased parrot!
President Biden has called for full legalization of marijuana. Now it is up to Congress to hold a smoke session.
A message from Canada, to all Americans who are envious about the recent marijuana legalization.
Sorry.
Stoners all over are coming together to push for the legalization of marijuana. It's a high effort!
I joined a parade today for the legalization of marijuana. Well, it began as a march, but after a while...
...it turned into a meander.
In a momentous day for Canada, Ontario held a Provincial Election on the same day the Senate approved the Cannabis Legalization Act.
Turnout was through the roof.
It took half a century, but Hippies finally won the day.
On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere.
President Biden has called for complete legalization of marijuana;
Now it is up to Congress to have a joint session.
President Biden has declared that water is now only permitted in three states:
Solid, liquid, and gas.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so mysterious I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn't leak the flatbread recipe. Just their typical naan disclosure agreement.
I learned today that Kim Kardashian's massive backside has its own birth certificate and even has a legal name:
Kanye
I've heard that U2 has never paid any legal fees; Their lawyers all work pro-Bono.
But cocaine is... where I snort the line.
Prophets were at an all-time high
It has been so long since I have carried cash that I forgot to take the change out of my pockets before washing them.
Does that make me a money launderer?
Why did Arkansas raise the legal drinking age to 32?
To keep alcohol away from the high schools.
Ever since I purchased a Tesla and they legalized weed, life hasn't been the same. Now I have to inform hitchhikers that booty is the only acceptable form of payment.
Is there anything this chap doesn't find arousing?
Opened it up and there was a photo of two men holding hands.
He'd be blazing in his grave.
If there was a bipartisan effort in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...
there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.
Because owning Christians isn't allowed, obviously.
A guy goes to a lawyer and asks, "How much do you charge for legal advice?"
The lawyer responds, "I'll answer three questions for $500."
The guy replies, "Isn't that a bit pricey?"
The lawyer smirks, "Yep. What's your third question?
My given name is 0100110, but you can call me Codey.
I work for a company that legally changes names. A woman named Tina came in the other day and I was really impressed. I'm gonna marry her. (It's my cake day... take it easy)
A man visits a lawyer to inquire about some legal matters...
The man asks the lawyer "How much will it cost to ask you a few questions?"
The lawyer replies "I charge $400 for three questions."
"That seems a little pricey, don't you think?"
"Yep. What's your third question?
Did you hear about the two astronauts caught up in a legal dispute?
They decided to settle it with orbitration.
Summon the Teenage Wizard
California legalized marijuana;
I guess they had a joint voter turnout.
What's the distinction between Alex Murdaugh's Legal Team and a Prostitute? A Prostitute always gets her client acquitted!
Did you know that necrophilia is legal in certain places?
I wouldn't be caught alive there!
What is the legal loophole in breaking and entering laws?
The Santa Clause
Is "I don't recall" considered a legit legal response? Because it sure as heck doesn't work with my wife.
Did you know it's legal to allow cannibals to eat you?
It might cost an arm and a leg, however.
How does a pregnant woman in Texas get a legal abortion?
Give birth.
What did the marijuana dealers form when they went legit?
A "joint"-stock company.
Never order the calamari at the complimentary legal benefit;
That's squid pro quo
The courthouse of A-peels
How do you make quack legal?
You start by passing a bill!
A message from Canada, to all Americans who are jealous about the recent marijuana legalization:
Sorry, eh?
if you're 70 and your husband coughs and you shoot him... can you claim self-defense?
#covid-19
Why was CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin masturbating on a Zoom call?
Because last month they switched from WebEx.
It's legal to screw an animal in Washington, DC
Because that's where all the politicians get together and screw us.
And I have a lot of decisions to make as I approach adulthood. Like self pleasure, for instance. Because on one hand, it feels good...
Where do pints go to resolve their legal troubles?
The Supreme Quart
1) Legalize all drugs.
2) Require that all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service.
No wait - she devoured Reese With a ladle!
Me: Kidnapping? I prefer the term surprise adoption!
Police: What drug are you on?
The Nintendo 64 turned 18 today; Now you can legally clean the cartridges.
It’s no longer legal to use hashtags to count in Afghanistan.
This is because of the new tally ban rule.
The state of Oregon is legalizing Psilocybin.
and they say marijuana isn't a gateway substance...
It's really challenging being in a legal dispute with McLaren.
It turns out they never reach a settlement.
For years I’ve been searching for kosher Jewish porn..
Turns out the correct term is, Yiddish and skittish.
Change your legal name to "Most Likely Scam" with your phone company. That way you can call anyone you want and just leave a message without any risk that they would actually pick up the phone.
What's the distinction between legal and illegal marijuana? One is derived from the farm, while the other comes from the pharmacy.
Who wants to be the first person to date time itself?
What do you call it when the population votes on legalizing weed?
A reeferendum.
Why are women required by law to cook for their husbands?
Because according to the Geneva convention, all captives must be fed and maintained in dignified conditions.
That's 1/5th of the United States.
Breaking news: CNN legal analyst caught masturbating on a Zoom call;
Guess you could say he just couldn't zipper his Toobin his pants
In France, it's legal to marry someone who's deceased.
On a totally separate note, there has been a rise in the sales of shovels.
What do you call a marsh-dwelling reptile with a law degree?
A litigator!
A buddy got his name legally changed from Pert.
I suppose he's an expert now.
As long as you don't use chickens.
I know it's an old one, but there was a cockfight broken up in my county last night and this was going around the jail.
Now that marijuana is legal in Canada...
There is a whole new meaning to Grandma's chicken pot pie.
They're puffing enough trees as it is.
Why don’t penguins get officially married? Because they're creatures and have no understanding of marriage.
A man goes to court to legally modify his name.
Judge: "It says here that you want to alter your name. What is your name, young man?"
"Donald J. Shit," says the man.
Judge: "Well, I can definitely see why you want to change it. What are you hoping to change it to?"
"Larry Feces.
In America, using the metric system can get you in legal trouble. In fact, if you scoff at any other method of measuring liquids, you may be held in contempt of quart.
How do you say, "Not yet of legal age to consent." in Chinese?
Tu Yung
There's been a Decree.
When is it legal to deceive people into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?
When you're selling a bachelor's degree in sophistry.
The difference is subtle. You might just end up giving a duck instead.
If two women get married and eventually end up divorced...
Which one gets 3/4 of everything?
Today I'm headed to the bank to cash a load of blank checks!
What do you call someone who threatens legal action against a karate school?
Chop suey
Because it always has the right of way.
We need to keep jumping stocks legal...
How else are the blind going to shoot?
Why is it legal to download America? Because it's copyright free.
Me: I'm adopted??
Stepdad: Hi adopted, I'm pop.
Now that Canada legalized marijuana, there's a whole lot of Canadians baking.
What do you get when you legalize polygamy in Alabama?
Brother husbands
I'm in a room with Trump, Hillary and a gun and I'm allowed to legally shoot one of them. Whoever survives becomes president. Who do I shoot?
Myself.
What do you call a place where marijuana is legal but alcohol isn't?
High and parched.
What do bosses who pay their employees minimum wage and middle-aged men who date eighteen year olds have in common with each other?
Both would settle for lower if it were legal.
Helen Keller ran into legal trouble...
She missed her hearing.
Why should polygamy be legal?
Any man willing to take multiple wives is punishment enough!
This really sparked the pot.
I love that marijuana is now legal in Canada.
It's pretty lit.
Now that marijuana is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.
I was always suffering from chronic anxiety thinking I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.
Have you heard about the guy with a legal kink?
He got away on a technicality.
On what day of the week is it legally accepted to marry the 8-bit Nintendo console?
Wednesday.
Breaking news: An American Jazz musician was sentenced to 12 months in prison. He legally changed his name to Smooth Criminal and will be eligible for parole in 6 months.
I hope Snoop Dogg sticks around to see weed fully legal in the US, otherwise he'll be rolling in his grave.
My cat isn’t a big fan of Boston Legal; She doesn’t like that James Spader.
No wait- she ate Reese Witherspoon
Me: Yeah. She was stabbed in California, in broad daylight. The one from Legally Blonde. Reese....Something.... with-er... um...with-uh... ..ummm...
Friend: Witherspoon?
Me: No. With a fork.
I’m selling a show about mystical powers in the courtroom:
Subpoena the Teenage Sorceress
The legal system is like laundry detergent: Works perfectly for whites, but not with colors.
What do you call a vacuum that disrupts the legal system?
Hopefully, Biden will never be the ruler of my country. Because if he is, something‘s gone wrong with the Canadian legal system.
How did a guy purchase a house with a chicken finger?
It was legitimate currency.
I needed a spot to store my USDA approved chicken strip, so I purchased a wallet. Now my cash is secure!
I once attempted to pay for something with an 18-year-old piece of chicken. When the cashier stated, "sir, we can't accept this", I replied, "why? It's valid currency.
What do you call a kind loving lawyer?
Legal Mender
Why are paralegals never sick? Because then they would be unlawful.
I'll show myself out... byeee.
What do you call a lawyer in a wheelchair?
A sue-gar help
A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: "If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it?"
One soldier said: "I'd wrap a bandage around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped."
Magic Mike and his bros get called for jury duty.
The case was declared a mistrial because of a well-hung jury.
I was on the jury for a murder trial and as I entered the courtroom, someone pulled my pants down. They declared it a hung jury...and the accused got off. But she was still sentenced.
Pornhub was sued a couple of months ago by xhamster. The trial was long and difficult but ended with a hung jury.
I hate to shatter your dreams, but it doesn't matter if Epstein committed suicide. If those cases had ever gone to court, it would have been a hung jury.
I just found out that my wife cheated on me with all the jury members of my trial. Can't blame her though, it was a well-hung jury.
When my name was finally called, this stunning blonde prosecutor checked me out and then promptly dismissed me.
Something about not wanting to risk a "hung jury".
What do you call a group of 12 male adult film actors when they meet in a court room? A hung jury.
What do you call a jury of well-endowed gentlemen?
A well-endowed jury.
The guy decided to end it all the night he was found not guilty of murder.
No one explained to him what a hung jury meant.
There was a court case against a company that sold penis enlargement supplements. They got off easily enough, true, but bribery was suspected... it ended with a hung jury.
I think Aaron Hernandez misunderstood the verdict...
He must have thought it ended with a hung jury.
I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minutes in there was a wrist injury, but don't worry, I'm alright now.
How do you celebrate winning a lawsuit over a fake injury?
You drink sham-pagne.
Football gave me a traumatic brain injury, and I was only watching.
Why did the doctor say "aww" to my injury?
Because it was a cute trauma!
Yesterday I watched a match of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a shoulder injury.
But by tomorrow I should be spike again.
Did you hear about the pencil that was injured in jail?
It broke in mid-sentence.
I recently got a pretty bad ear injury in a food brawl at a bakery. So please excuse me if I'm a little pudding deaf.
Not this dude. It's more like 1.9 thumbs now.
My proctologist has a back injury, but he came to work to give me my exam anyway. What a trooper! He was clearly in agony, so I told him, "Take it easy, doc, you don't want to strain yourself." He replied, "I'm good, just let me rest my hands on your shoulders.
What is the most painful type of minor injury?
Accidentally throwing a kid into a woodchipper.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "What a day at work!" the guy sighs. "I fell off a 20-foot ladder." "You're joking!" the bartender exclaims. "Are you okay? Shouldn't you be at the hospital?" "Oh no, I'm fine," the guy says. "I was just on the first rung."
Did you hear about the musician who got a cymbal stuck in his backside? The doctor says it was a freak accident. I mean, what are the chances? It must be a Zildjian in one!
When explaining a groin injury to your doctor, it's crucial to specify if it's your scrotum or penis that is affected.
There's a vast difference between them.
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're autographing somebody's cast.
What's the distinction between Prosecco and a counterfeit injury?
One's sham-pain and the other is a sparkling Italian white wine.
What is a personal injury lawyer's favorite seasonal salutation?
Happy Autumn
My friend wanted to use the treadmill while recovering from an injury.
I told him to "tread carefully".
I need to purchase a smaller sundial.
A single injury is a tragedy... a million injuries is just a statistic.
A blonde recently suffered a minor injury while using her vibrator... she chipped two teeth.
Big Injury Update:
Aaron Hernandez (Headache)
Out Indefinitely
A tussle a day keeps the doctor away.
What do you call a ghost's wound?
A boo-boo
What do you call an injury you sustain at yoga class?
Yoghurt.
A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...
The following day, the newspaper reads "Team will play without Dicks."
Enraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper alter the headline and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks sidelined."
I’ve reached the point where I can’t determine if I have sustained an injury, or if that’s just the way I am now.
I suffered a severe neck injury a couple of years ago and I've never looked back.
My buddy works for the telephone company, fixing fiber optic cables. I've told him he should wear eye protection when working on lit cables, because the laser power can cause permanent eye damage. He said he would check it out.
It's cruel to mock Trump for needing to use both hands to drink because of his injury.
He touched The Bible a few weeks ago and the injury still hasn't healed.
I've just been watching the ladies playing beach volleyball and there has already been a bad wrist injury.
I should be okay by the morning though.
But that's just Water under the Bridge meow.
My brother-in-law is missing half of his hand due to a horrible logging accident; so I asked him, "Do you get half price when you get your palm read?
I watched the women's Olympic volleyball last night for the first time, and one minute in there was already a wrist injury.
But I'm feeling better today, no worries.
A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: "If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it?"
One soldier said: "I'd wrap a bandage around his head and tighten it until the bleeding stopped."
I pulled a muscle looking for gold.
It was just a miner injury.
I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the newest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance declined to cover it;
I inquired why but the agent just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."
A man smacks a child in the face.
This led to a "minor" boo-boo.
What did the musician receive after injuring himself?
A minor injury
Women are magical creatures;
They can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make spineless things hard!
Magic Mike and his pals get summoned for jury duty;
The case was declared a mistrial because of a jury that couldn't make up their mind.
Sue reports for jury duty as instructed.
She promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's biased. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that tacky polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin."
"Sit down," says the judge. "That's the defense attorney."
Why wasn't Thanos chosen for jury duty?
Because he makes snappy decisions!
I got summoned for jury duty today...
When my name was finally called, this gorgeous prosecutor looked me up and down then immediately dismissed me.
Something about not wanting to risk a "sloshed jury".
What do they call Jury Duty in Australia?
Didgereedooty
I begged a judge to excuse me from jury duty because of my job, but he insisted that my company can manage just fine without me for a few days.
But that's precisely what I don't want them to figure out.
Many are called, few are selected.....;
That's right, I have jury duty.
I know why there is so much incest in Alabama:
Because you can't serve on a jury for a family member, you can avoid jury duty by being related to everybody.
I had a court date this month. I yelled about my innocence and pleaded with them for mercy.
I didn't get selected for jury duty.
A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations, he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him oral sex. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.
When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. "What happened to my 12th juror?"
The jury foreman replied, "Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just came to.
What do they call Jury Duty in Australia?
Didgereedooty
Sue reports for jury duty as instructed. She quickly requests to be excused because she thinks she's biased. "I looked at those sneaky eyes and that tacky polyester suit, and I instantly knew he was guilty as sin."
"Take a seat," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney.
But that's precisely what I don't want them to realize.
During his trial, the jury was informed that Kevin Spacey had dreams of becoming an astronaut.
A witness testified that Spacey confided in him, expressing his desire to visit Uranus.
The case was declared a mistrial because the jury was too well hung.
What do you call a jury that takes risks?
Juris-imprudence
In the corner is a woman with snakes for hair sitting behind a shorthand typewriter. She's the Court Stenographer.
Why did the jury weep at the molester's hearing?
It was a very touching trial.
I was on the jury for a murder trial and as I entered the courtroom, someone pulled my pants down. They declared it a hung jury...and the accused got off. However, she was still convicted.
That’s the last time I hold a seance in a courthouse.
I got summoned for jury duty today...
When my name was finally called, this blonde bombshell prosecutor checked me out and then promptly dismissed me.
Something about not wanting to chance a "hung jury".
I attempted to avoid Jury duty by arguing that having 12 jurors is unfair. It's 2 against 1!
I just found out that my wife cheated on me with all the jury members of my trial. Can't blame her though, it was a hung jury.
Why wasn't Thanos selected for jury duty?
Because he makes snappy judgements!
How many attorneys does it take to change a lightbulb? The jury's still out on that one.
What was the cat arrested for?
Charges of purr-jury.
Many are called, few are chosen.....
.....that's correct, I have jury duty.
The jury has spoken…
Johnny Depp topped his ex-wife
What do you call a jury of well-equipped gentlemen?
A well-hung jury.
Why did the jury decide Ester was innocent? Because Ester is a perfume.
After 3 weeks of trial, the jury finds the man not guilty. The judge says to the defendant, "The jury has found you not guilty. You are free to leave." The man then asks, "Does this mean I get to keep the money?"
Even the jury was moved.
A man went to jury duty. During a break in deliberations he and a female juror he had been flirting with snuck into the coat closet and she started giving him head. Someone knocked on the door, startling him, and he knocked himself out cold on the closet shelf.
When the jury filed back into the courtroom, the judge noticed one was missing. “What happened to my 12th juror?”
The jury foreman replied, “Head in-jury your honor, but I hear he just woke up.”
Why did Bill Cosby get hit with contempt of court?
He was accused of drugging with the jury.
The court case was lengthy and challenging, but concluded with a hung jury.
I know why there is so much incest in Alabama:
Since you can't serve on a jury for a family member, you can avoid jury duty by being related lo everybody.
I hate to break it to you, but it doesn't matter if Epstein committed suicide. If those cases had ever gone to court, it would have been a sweaty jury.
Jared Fogle was sentenced to 16 years in jail. He told the jury that he was content with anything under 18.
My buddy had his luggage stolen on his flight. He landed and went straight to a lawyer to sue the person he thought was responsible. When the jury made their decision, he was not thrilled. He lost his lawsuit!
I was married by a judge...
I should have requested a jury.
My local government sent me some free, emergency toilet paper in the mail.
They called it a "Jury Duty.
How do you ensure a dock gets a fair trial?
Have it decided by a jury of its peers
A Prostitute goes to court with a jury, accused of killing a customer.
After court is over, she comes out of the courtroom. Her friends ask, "So, how was the jury?"
Prostitute says, "They were hung."
Why do criminals dislike accidents? Because they can't be arrested while the police are out.
What do you call a group of 12 male porn actors when they meet in a courtroom?
A hung jury.
On the last day of his trial, the foreman of the jury stands up.
"Have you reached a verdict?" asked the judge.
"We have, your honor..." replied the foreman. "Not guilty!"
"Excellent!" shouted McMurphy. "Does that mean I get to keep the money?
What's brown and sits in a courtroom?
Jury dukey
I had a court date this month. I shouted about my innocence and pleaded for mercy.
I did not get chosen for jury duty.
It turns out, no one explained to him what a hung jury meant.
Did Aaron Hernandez get the verdict all wrong? He must have thought it ended in a hung jury.
But the jury preferred the term "rapist."
Paddy went to trial for armed robbery.
After a lengthy trial, the jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's fantastic!" shouted Paddy. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Which is why Santa Clause was arrested and convicted for aggravated stalking and unlawful breaking and entering by a jury of his peers in a court of law.
The prosecutor asks me while I'm on the stand, "Did you murder that man?"
I replied, "No."
He then asked, "Do you know what the punishment for perjury is?"
I retorted, "Yeah, it's a lot less than the punishment for murder.
I was acquitted of fibbing in court. That's according to the judge, not perjury.
A man is accused of first-degree murder and is on the stand, being questioned by the prosecution.
“Did you commit the crime?”
“No sir, I did not.”
“I remind you that you are under oath. Do you know the penalty for perjury?”
“Yes sir, and it’s a heck of a lot less than the penalty for murder.”
I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minutes in there was a wrist injury;
But don't worry, I'm alright now!
Yesterday I watched a game of women's volleyball, and 10 minutes into the match there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be spike again.
I was just watching the ladies beach volleyball and there's already been a bad wrist injury. I should be okay by morning though.
I'm better today though, no wristies.
"What is she doing that for?" Asked the judge.
"Fu***ng looking for me."
The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."
The judge responds "what's she doing"
The guy says "looking for me">
Contestant: "C-U-N..."
Judge: "DEAR GOD PLEASE STOP."
Judge: "Repeat infractions?"
Me: "Ok, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!"
"No!" Tony exclaimed. "I want to divorce her because she's fucking Strange."
But he left me hanging.
Judge: I order you to pay $10,000;
Mr. Demeanour: Why?
Judge: Because of your misdemeanor.
Mr. Demeanour: What'd he do this time?!
A police officer mistakenly arrested a judge who was dressed like a prisoner for a costume party. He quickly learned to never judge a judge by their cover.
A judge asked Shakira if she committed tax fraud.
Shakira: "Of course not, Your Honor."
Shakira's Hips: "Of course we did, Your Honor.
She says "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
And my lawyer said, "I'll take a footlong turkey."
The defendant spoke. He said, "Yeah, I'll take a cheeseburger with fries, and can I get a large Coca-Cola with that as well?"
Before you judge somebody who doesn't use the metric system...
You should walk 1.609344 kilometers in their shoes.
I was in court recently. The judge found me guilty of being "egotistical". I am appealing.
Snow White, because she's the fairest Judge of All.
A boy is about to be sentenced for murdering his parents. He pleads with the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy.
The boy responds, "I'm an orphan, your honor."
So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
What does a judge have in his lemonade?
Just ice!
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, once you criticize them, you'll be a mile away and have their shoes.
Why did the judge halt the merger of Duracell and Morton's? He couldn't tolerate a salt and battery in his court!
In Alabama, they use cousin compatibility.
I don't judge the history of my Garth Brooks adoring cannibal girlfriend; however, what she's currently doing is ripping me to pieces.
What’s the distinction between a decent lawyer and an amazing lawyer? A decent lawyer knows the law. An incredible lawyer knows the judge.
Where did the thrifty judge send the criminal?
To the pennytentiary.
The doctor gave me six months to live, so I shot him.
The bartender gave me 50 years. Problem solved.
Use the blurb on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
Therefore I recuse myself for an impartial judge.
The judge commanded me to erase every punctuation mark from War and Peace except for the final period. It was a tremendously long sentence.
What does the judge say when someone toots during trial...
Odor in the court!!!
My wife said she's leaving me because I keep making coffee without the filter. The judge concurred;
Apparently it's grounds for a divorce.
SMH, they done gave me a bartender to defend me.
Cop: You were going 68 in a 55;
Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little higher so I can hear the judge saying it out loud?
Cop: Sure, whatever.
[Later in traffic court]
Judge: How the heck were you going 420 in a 55?
The real evidence that one shouldn't judge a book by its cover is that math textbooks have pictures of kids having fun on the front.
In the dressing room, they call Cristiano Ronaldo "The Judge".
Because he's always on the bench!
How is your password similar to an emotional family court judge? They're both case sensitive.
The judge knew the defendant was Scottish because he confessed to wearing his kilt.
I was at a bar one night when I heard the most fantastic rendition of "Free Bird" being played. I headed to the stage to find my local judge behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his unique music which was awful.
Just goes to show, never judge a judge by his cover.
Why can't judges get tipsy?
They always order just-ice.
Lady's husband: "Your honour, don't forget she also stole a can of peas."
Did you hear about the Russian judge? He walks out of the courtroom laughing his head off, and another judge asks what's so funny. He says he just heard the funniest joke of his life, so judge 2 asks him to tell it. Then judge 1 says "I can't. I just sentenced someone to 10 years for it."
My grandfather knew the precise time, date, and year that he was going to die.
He wasn't clairvoyant. The referee informed him.
The local county judge talked a lot.
He talked on and on and on. He was famous for handing out lengthy sentences.
The judge was a man of few words;
He always gave out brief sentences.
What did Matthew McConaughey say on his first day on the job as a Judge?
All Rise All Rise All Rise
Don't judge a person for drinking and swearing;
judge the quiet sober ones. Those sneaky fuckers are up to something.
Judge: For your crimes against our citizenry, I hereby sentence you to a decade in prison.
Man: That’s a lengthy sentence. Can you shorten it?
Judge: Sure. You go to jail for 10 years.
Judge: Why did you kill your wife after 30 years of marriage?
Husband: Because of procrastination, every day I tell myself I'll do it tomorrow.
Yes judge, I have something to declare. If you truly are what you consume, then I am an innocent man.
The judge said, "Thanks for serving!"
The juror said, "Just doing my Civic Duty!"
Judge: Defendant, where's your attorney?
Defendant: After I finally convinced him that I didn't steal those 5 million dollars, he left me...
Judge: "What's the charge against this man?"
Officer: "Stealing nine bottles of beer, your honor."
Judge: "Dismissed. I can't brew a case out of nine bottles.
Judge: Anything you say in this court will be held against you.
Man: Boobies
Lawyer: Damn.. He's good
To which I replied, "your honor!"
I don't criticize anyone for pleasuring themselves.
You be you.
A judge called me self-centered and cocky;
I think I'm attractive
Why was Judge Dredd detained?
He fractured his arm.
"What is the charge, counselor?" The judge asks.
"Bigotry, your honor," the prosecutor replies. "This man has three wives."
"You fool," the judge says. "That ain't bigotry, it's trigonometry."
What did the judge say after Novak lost his court appeal?
The judge declared, "Mr. Djokovic has no more challenges left."
The cop noted my location, so I informed the judge that if he knew where I was, he couldn't possibly calculate my speed.
An accused criminal is brought before a judge...
The judge says, "You are charged with stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honor."
"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.
"Do you accept payment in gold?
A man stands before a judge, requesting to alter his name. The judge asks, "What's your current legal name?" The man replies, "Joe Shitter." "I can understand why you would want to change it," the judge says. "Yeah, everyone's always coming up to me saying, "What do you know, Joe?"
If you want to be judgmental, you have to be a judge. Otherwise you're just crazy.
"Basic math. 2 times 9 equals 18"
Why did the judge refuse the ghost bail?
Too much of a scare risk.
Call it the Pee/Nut/Butt Hospital
What's a judge's favorite breakfast?
Oatmeal.
What do you call a judge without any thumbs?
Justice fingers.
What is a judge's preferred beverage?
Guilt-tea.
A man was arrested for telling a joke that called Vladimir Putin dumb. He was tried and sentenced to 15 years and 3 months in a work camp. When asked about the oddly specific sentence, the judge explained that he gave 3 months for insulting the president, and 15 years for divulging state secrets.
The judge says: "You must pay the court $12,000."
Mario, surprised, asks: "Why?"
The judge replies: "It's a penalty."
Mario, heartbroken, sadly says: "No, it isn't.
Why is Counter-strike the judge's favorite game? Because he's always handing out headshots!
Imp and her spirit-elf were killed and the suspect, a 16-year-old who's represented by his father, Ed.
After hearing the case, the judge decides.
Ed's teen didn't kill Imp's elf.
When I was in college, my partner and I attempted a long distance relationship...
I had to remain 300 yards away from her at all times.
Additionally, the judge said I had to cease referring to her as "my girlfriend.
What's the favorite beverage of judges?
Guilty tea.
[In a courtroom]
Judge: Did you feel guilty at the time?
Accused: No, I didn't, your honor.
Guilty: Yes, he did, your honor. That's why I filed charges against him.
If you want to be judgmental, you have to be a judge;
Otherwise you're simply mental.
I hate it when I'm out in public and everyone gives me judgmental looks just because of the screaming toddler in my arms. Don't be mad at me. This isn't even my kid.
So many people these days are too judgmental.
I can tell just by glaring at them.
That judgmental friend: If you never smoked, you could have had a Ferrari by now.
Me: Where's your Ferrari?
I don't like judgmental folks;
They are all a bunch of twats.
What do you call a critical mushroom?
A shit-talker
I had to go to court today, I didn't like it. Everyone was so judgmental.
I'm currently reading a book about a movie star who was born a woman but then identifies as male, but no one gets upset or judgmental about it, they just accept it and move on. It's a great book...
It's a real page flipper!
I recently became a therapist and had a new client come in today. I could tell she thought I was judgmental the moment I looked at her.
Three things I cannot stand:
* moronic people
* judgmental people
* double standards
* individuals who can't count
* lists
* irony
I proudly showed my date where I live. "As you can see, it's open-plan, with views of everywhere around. Fantastic ventilation, heating, and a fabulous stereo system if that interests you." And all the judgmental jerk had to say was, "I don't know anyone else that lives in their vehicle...
Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another man. The judge wants to know; "why did you shoot your wife?". "Well," Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".
There is only one vegetable righteous enough to face Judgment Day and for good reason!
Lettuce pray.
A Jehovah’s Witness knocked on my door this morning.
"Could you spare a few moments to talk about Judgement Day?" he inquired.
"Well," I retorted, "I'm not a huge fan of the Terminator franchise." I joked.
Me: where is your Ferrari?
Don't be mad at me. This ain't even my kid.
My wife and I have come to the mutual agreement that we do not want children. And the judgment that is coming at us from family, friends, co-workers, it's just insane.
And the little ones aren't taking it very well either.
So many people nowadays are too judgmental.
I can tell just by gazing at them.
My girlfriend believes I'm awful in bed.
Kind of an unjust decision to make in under a minute.
If you want to be judgmental, you have to be a judge; otherwise you're just crazy.
Which Egyptian Pharaoh was the most judgmental?
King Tut Tut
How could she make that assessment in 30 seconds?
I hope Planet Fitness truly is a judgment-free zone because I plan on dropping off my loads there for the next few weeks.
Peter is on trial. He's on trial because he shot his wife when he caught her in bed with another man.
The judge wants to know, "why did you shoot your wife?".
"Well," Peter replies, "it seemed easier to shoot her once, than to shoot a different guy every week".
The decision has been gnawing at me for some time now, but I'm trying to have fun and not let it devour me.
I don't like judgmental folks; they are all a bunch of judgmental cunts.
What do you call a critical mushroom?
A snarky shroom
It might seem judgmental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.
Let us pray.
I hit Dwayne bottom.
Why are audiologists considered to be reasonable? They have sound judgment.
WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!
Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgment" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the consequences of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...
"I see dead people."
Don't wallow in despair; at least you have good judgement.
What do a woman's butt and a 9 volt battery have in common?
You know it's against your better judgment, but you put your tongue on it
anyway.
I recently became a therapist and had a new patient come in today.
I could tell she thought I was judgmental the moment I looked at her.
A Jehovah’s Witness knocked on my door this morning.
“Can you spare a few moments to talk about Judgement Day?” he asked.
“Well,” I responded, “I’m not a big fan of the Terminator movies.” I joked.
The other day, I was staring at my leg and noticed something amusing. I thought to myself, "I need to remove this," but it turned out to be a rash decision.
Why wasn't Thanos selected for jury duty? Because he makes snappy verdicts!
I’ll never join one of those online dating sites because I prefer to meet someone the good old-fashioned way...
Through alcohol and bad decisions...
Three things I cannot tolerate:
* silly individuals
* critical individuals
* double standards
* individuals who can't count
* lists
* irony
I showed my date where I reside.
I proudly mentioned, "As you can see, it's open-plan, with views of everywhere around. Fantastic airflow, heating, and a glorious stereo system if that tickles your fancy."
And all the judgmental lady had to say was, "I don't know anyone else that lives in their vehicle...
Why can't judges get tipsy? They always order just-ice.
What's the preferred drink of judges?
Guil tea.
There are judges for various religions and they are sorted alphabetically.
There's Judge Atheist A, Judge Buddhist B, Judge Christian C and...
Judge Jewish D.
When I was auditioning for the talent show, my dad handed me a $1 bill and said to show it to the judges.
When I mentioned that a $1 bill wouldn't cut it for bribing the judges, he replied, "It's not for bribing them, it's to show them you actually have some money!
How do judges determine who's guilty and who's innocent?
By trial and error.
Congratulations!
Where do judges dine when they go to the mall?
The food court.
What do judges consume with their vodka?
Just ice. They prefer it served cold.
I don't understand why everyone judges me for being a stay-at-home parent... I mean yeah, my child doesn't actually exist, but I still feel like I do a great job.
The diminutive psychic, Chris Tolbol, managed to escape from prison earlier today.
Authorities are now describing him as a small medium at large.
My boss is sort of strange, he has started announcing to everyone whenever I go on break. Just the other day I stepped outside to catch some sun and sure enough that goof yells Jailbreak!!! On the bright side he let some dogs out for me to play with.
How do you get Putin into a prison cell?
Inform him it's not his.
What do you name a jail cell for podcasters: WordPress.
What do you call a prison cell without five cents inside?
A nickelless cage.
A phone gets thrown into a jail cell.
His cell mate looks at him and asks, "What are you being charged with?"
The phone looks smugly at his cell mate and replies, "Battery.
I'm sitting in a jail cell and it's killing me that I was arrested for something so silly. On a dare, I robbed a kitchen supply store. Sure, the fancy knives would have been awesome, and who doesn't want a food processor? But all in all, it just wasn't worth the whisk.
A masochist and a sadist are locked up in a jail cell. The masochist says to the sadist: "Punish me!" The sadist replies, "I will not.
It was a dime-less cage.
Why did Donald Trump invite Kim Kardashian to discuss prison reform?
Because she's had more black men in her than a jail cell.
Can't wait for the sequel, stuck in a prison cell.
A man walks into a bar and the bartender said, "Dammit Jim, I told you not to put the blind person in the regular jail cell!"
My buddy got locked up for half a year for rescuing 4 folks from a blazing structure.
Man with a stutter jailed;
Judge rules he is unlikely to finish his sentence.
Police say he was arrested for counterfeiting.
A farmer buddy of mine got arrested for too much hay production; I had to bail him out.
Why was the person who couldn't fall asleep arrested?
He was resisting a nap.
My uncle was arrested for his beliefs - he believed you could wank on a bus!
A retired Florida man was arrested for refusing to nap... he was resisting a rest.
What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.
The prison guard started counting the number of prisoners one morning because he wanted a con-census.
Wife: Wow, how time flies, it's our 30th anniversary tomorrow, and it still feels like we got married yesterday.
Husband: Only the inmate feels the slow passage of time, not the warden.
Wife to husband: "This is our 25th anniversary, didn't even realize how time has passed."
Husband: "Hmm, inmates realize the time, not the warden...
I drove past the local jail today. The prisoners were out in the yard playing soccer. I slowed down and yelled, "Throw me the ball, I'm released!
What does Elvis wear on his feet when he can't find his Blue Suede Shoes?
His Jailhouse Crocs.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she finally got out of prison,
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a preposition.
A prisoner digs a tunnel out of jail.... and ends up in a toddler playground
and yells "I'm free! I'm free!"
and a kid walks up and says "So what, I'm four!"
Because he was in a cent.
I know it's silly but come on.
Say the lice.
A rapist and a therapist are prime suspects in a case. Who went to jail?
The rapist.
My brother took going to jail pretty badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
Why did the picture go to jail?
Indecent exposure
How did Bill Cosby celebrate after getting out of jail?
He went to a bar and bought everyone shots!
An alcoholic wakes up in jail.
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For public intoxication," replies the officer.
"Fantastic," says the man, "when do we continue?
My son didn't handle going to jail well.
He refused to eat or drink anything.
He cursed at everyone and covered his cell with his own poop.
After that, we never played Monopoly again.
After being sent to jail, I spent the next hour being held face down over a table and getting violently screwed up the butt.
Sometimes I think my uncle Brian takes Monopoly a bit too seriously...
And my lawyer said, "I'll take a footlong turkey."
Why did the smartphone go to jail?
It was arrested for battery!
He finally made it out.
Scott is Free!!!
Why should you go to jail as an entrepreneur?
- Free room and board
- Gym and rehab center
- Surrounded by go-getters
- Taxes are taken care of
- Time away from family, gf, friends to focus on THE HUSTLE
I had a relative who went to prison for shooting a priest. Fortunately, it was just a white-collar crime.
If a person who stammers gets locked up, will they ever finish a sentence?
A prisoner escaped by putting a napkin over his face and walking out of jail.
There’s a reward on his head.
Sodium Chloride and Sulphuric Acid were in jail for assault and battery.
Monopoly is enjoyable, but it contains some outdated elements that are no longer valid.
There's free parking, a luxury tax, and wealthy individuals can actually end up in jail.
Turns out they were firemen.
Not properly disposing of the bodies is what lands you in jail.
If I'm ever sent to jail, I'm going to rename myself Mitochondrion.
This is to inform them that I am the powerhouse of the cell.
My dad ended up in jail because of his beliefs.
He was convinced he could masturbate on the bus.
After escaping the tunnel, he discovered he was in a kindergarten playground.
"I'm liberated! I'm liberated!" he yelled.
"Big deal, I'm four," responded one of the toddlers.
Why was the guitarist sent to jail?
He got caught fingering a minor.
I was cursed with a 9 inch penis.
The priest is in prison now.
A guy was incarcerated for speaking out of his rear end.
It was a butt rap.
If you go to prison for tax evasion.... aren't you basically living off taxes, for not paying your taxes.
Why did the guy with a foot fetish go to jail?
He started off on the wrong foot.
Did you hear that Mary ran away from jail?
She's on the lamb chop now.
Facebook is like prison:
You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by people you don't really know.
My twin brother called me from jail. He began with, "So you know how we complete each other's sentences?
If Hunter Biden ever goes to prison and doesn't publish a book titled "Biden Timing," it would be a major missed opportunity.
They're accusing me of evasion with tacks.
Bet she didn't predict that!
Why do women prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?
Periods always mark the end of a sentence.
How do you get Putin into a jail cell?
Tell him it's not his vacation spot.
Why did the guitar instructor go to jail?
He was plucking a minor.
I ended up in jail the other night and the guys next to me had taped themselves together. It was very sticky.
Hey girl, is your dad a thief? Because if I was your dad, I would be stealing you away!
I’m also 100% grounded
A man with a stutter was put in jail;
The judge decided he is probably not going to finish his sentence.
Did you hear about the heart that got arrested? Reporters said it was a cardiac suspect.
A gnome, who was a psychic, escaped from prison. The call went out that "there was a tiny clairvoyant on the loose.
Wife: "Hey.... um.... you know..... I... I've been with other guys you know?"
Me: "Ohhhh, ok. Well same here, roll over"
Did you hear about the time Falcon was thrown in the slammer?
He was arrested for fowl play.
Did you hear about the truck driver that got pulled over and taken to jail for the white powder in the trailer?
It turned out to be sodium chloride, poor driver got arrested for a-salt.
I went to the prison doctor who told me (age 62) that I had the physique of a 30-year-old. I told them that I wasn't saying anything until I talked to my attorney.
He was arrested for resisting a rest.
Sorry, it's a running gag in my family.
I thought I’d be thrown in jail for resisting arrest, but it turns out, insomnia isn’t a crime.
The incorrect picture ended up in prison. It was set up.
Got a phone call today from my identical brother who is in prison:
He said, "Hey, do you remember how we always used to finish each other's sentences?
Why is Twitter more forgiving than Facebook jail? Because they hand out shorter sentences.
What do you call prison for killer pastas?
The state penneitentiary
Two buddies were in jail. The first began jotting down lines on the wall to keep track of how long they had been there. The other one remarked, "Hey, don't write on the wall, they'll kick us out!
If we all end up going to prison for downloading music......
I at least hope they segregate us by music genre.
Why does Sting never end up in jail?
Because the Police always support him.
Donald Trump is the funniest cellmate.
My friend sadly went to jail for something he didn't do.
He forgot to wipe the fingerprints off of his gun.
It escapes on appeal.
Did you hear about the stuttering escape artist who kept on ending up in prison?
He never completed his sentences.
"Jake, you can't label yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"
Did you hear about the dude who got 10 years in prison for using imaginary numbers?
He was an accountant.
Women should be released from jail after they have their period.
Period: end of discussion.
Have you heard why those two crows got locked up?
Conspiracy to commit murder.
Why did the watermelon go to jail?
Because it committed a melony.
He got caught "red-handed," insider trading.
A criminal successfully broke free from prison. He sprinted onto the streets and exclaimed, "I'M FREE, I'M FREE!"
A little girl approached him, tapped him on the shoulder, and retorted, "Big deal, I'm four!
Later, a reporter visited his cell for an interview and asked him, “Why did you create counterfeit money?”
The forger thought for a while before he replied, saying, “Because making genuine money is impossible.”
Guess you could say they were dough in captivity.
I noticed a dwarf descending a rope on the outside wall.
"What are you doing?" I asked and he responded, "What the hell does it look like I'm doing?"
Well, that's a little con descending, I thought to myself.
If I end up in prison I'm renaming myself mitochondria. That way I can be the powerhouse of the cell.
... The next day he's brought into court and the judge says, "My dear sir, you've been brought here for intoxication." He says, "Alright, judge, let's get this party started.
Officers were dismayed to discover Contra prohibited in the prison
How do they sneak all of those drugs into the prisons?
I suppose they're brought in by some jerk.
As I knelt down with a pair of size 5 shoes in front of this blonde in a short skirt, I couldn't resist a quick glance at her knickers.
"Hey cheeky!" She said as she gave me a playful kick. "I bet the only reason you work here is to look up girls' skirts, isn't it?"
"That's an absolutely ridiculous accusation, madam," I said sternly. "I don't even work here.
A Construction Worker was fired after being accused of murder;
There was no solid evidence.
I knew Antonio Brown was trouble before the accusation; He screwed over two NFL teams in the last 2 years.
What did the chef say when a customer accused him of making bland food?
That's a basil-less accusation!
The recently released model 5PY-2020 sELECT is perfectly secure.
A man was accused of pooping on a chair. When he denied the accusation, the court ordered him to provide a stool sample.
I told him I never slept a wink with his wife!
He then said that he had heard I was romping her in the kitchen. I let him know right then and there that I wasn't romping her anywhere near the kitchen and frankly, I didn't appreciate the accusation.
What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Cry Me a River.
Early reports indicate that he will be stationed somewhere in the Crimea region.
What did Zelensky retort to Putin when he called him to complain about the exploded bridge?
"Crimea River!
Frontier guard: Name?
Putin: Vladimir Putin
Frontier guard: Occupation?
Putin: Spy
Justin Timberlake has volunteered to fight alongside Ukrainian Forces. His first task... Crimea River.
What are some pros for Ukraine after losing Crimea to Russia?
There's no Crime in Ukraine
Joe Biden called a press conference to talk about his meeting with Vladimir Putin.
"The great news is that Mr Putin informed me he wants peace."
After everyone cheered and clapped in relief, he added the bad news...
"A slice of Crimea, a morsel of Ukraine, a chunk of Finland...
His only comeback is, Crimea River.
Oh, Crimea lake!
None according to the Russians - Crimea is already "Theirs"!
Oh, Crimea river!
Where do unempathetic Ukrainians originate from?
The Crimea River
Cry Me a River
Putin: Cry me a river.
Have you heard Justin Timberlake's catchy song about his favorite Ukrainian body of water?
The Crimea River
Trump says, "You need to cease annexing territory in Ukraine"
Putin responds, "Crimea river"
Ukraine: Sure!
Russia: Knock Knock.
Ukraine: Who's there?
Russia: Crimea.
Ukraine: I don't get it.
Russia: You will never get it.
Putin responded to NATO's criticism of annexing parts of Ukraine by saying, "Oh, Crimea river."
What is Putin's favorite song to play in Ukraine?
Crimea River
What did Putin say to the Ukrainian government when he invaded western Ukraine?
Crimea river.
The salesman said it was the creme de la kremlin, but every time it's Putin gear, it keeps Stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not Lenin you my car!
It specifically discusses a river in Crimea.
(edit: I originally confused my Justins, thanks for the comments :) )
Justin Timberlake's favorite part of Eastern Europe is the Crimea River.
So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to write a song for all the people that have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine.
It's going to be titled "Crimea River".
Oh Crimea a river would ya!
What did Stalin say to all the thousands of people he murdered?
Crimea river
What did the peninsula say before it was divided in half by a flowing mass of water?
Crimea River
Top UN officials asked Vladimir Putin to stop annexing countries. He responded: "Oh, go Crimea River.
Did you hear about Russia's latest preservation project?
The Crimean River
Crimea Riviera
The salesman said it was the cream de la Kremlin, but every time it's Putin gear, it keeps stalling. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not Lenin you my car!
What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.
Justin Timberlake announces that he will be joining the war in Ukraine.
Early accounts suggest that he will be stationed somewhere along the Crimea River.
When Putin called Zelensky to complain about the exploded bridge, Zelensky replied, "Crimea river!
His initial assignment... Crimea River!
His only reply is, Crimea River.
Oh, Crimea lake!
Oh Crimea, river!
Crimea Lake
Putin: Cry me a river.
Have you heard Justin Timberlake's catchy song about his favorite Ukrainian body of water?
The Crimea River
"Oh, Crimea lake."
Cry me a river.
What's Justin Timberlake's favorite part of Eastern Europe?
The Dnieper River.
Where do unsympathetic Ukrainians originate from?
The Crimea River.
Trump says, "You need to cease annexing land in Ukraine"
Putin responds, "Crimea river"
So apparently Justin Timberlake is going to compose a song for all the people who have been devastated by the crisis in Ukraine. It's going to be titled "Crimea River".
Cry me a river!
What did the peninsula say before it got cut in half by a flowing stream of water?
Crimea River
Top UN officials asked Vladimir Putin to stop annexing countries;
He responded: Oh, go Crimea river
Did you hear about Russia's latest conservation project? The Crimea River.
Where do the Russian rebels go to whine about their lives?
Crimea River
Why does making fun of a ginger turn into a hate crime?
Dyslexia
They say Donald Trump was accused of offenses that would have been overlooked if someone else had committed them. I guess orange truly is the new black.
Sometimes I go out and commit shenanigans, just to feel needed.
Why are there so few offenses in Germany? Because it's verboten. Dankeschön kind stranger for the gold, I will put it in my grandchildren's Sparbuch of course. The thing with the anti joke is that it's not really an anti joke in German, which makes it even more hilarious for, you know... Germans.
Why is suicide a crime?
Because it's a "bad" investment.
If not using periods was a crime
would it result in long sentences?
I should borrow a news van. It's the perfect crime.
How will they report it?
What is the crime when someone kills their friend? Homicide.
How did the computer hackers escape from the scene of the crime?
I think they just malware along.
I hate it when people refer to their girlfriend as their "accomplice";
We understand, man, she's underage.
Where do coins go after committing a crime?
The pennytentiary.
Back in the day, excessive usage of commas was deemed a very serious offense. It often led to a lengthy punishment.
A train goes on a crime spree. When he was finally caught, he was asked why he did what he did. "I don't know, I think I went insane, guess you could say I had loco reasons...
Schrodinger's Cat recently went on a crime spree;
He's wanted dead or alive
Crime in multi-storey car parks is colorful on so many levels.
Passed by a crime scene today... some jerk was taking a nap right in the middle of everything.
Why do political parties despise organized crime?
They don't enjoy voter rivalry.
The Mafia has decided to get into online crime to stay up to date. They have just launched a new app called Pay-Up-Pal.
11:38 - Arrived at the crime scene.
11:38 - Examined the body. Signs of a struggle.
11:38 - Found the murder weapon in the drain.
11:38 - Realized watch was broken.
I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with guns. At least become a cop first so you get paid!
Recently I was blamed for a crime, which seems like a strange punishment.
If Peter Parker were to retire from crime fighting, He could always go into spider web design.
The most victimless crime is murder;
There is a victim fewer when you're done
Oh come on, they're a progressive country. You go to jail unless you are a politician.
What is the contrast between the government and organized crime?
Only one of them is actually organized.
No wonder there are so many Australians in the US.
Why is it so difficult to solve crimes in Alabama? Because the DNA always matches and the dental records are non-existent.
Because they can always beat the charges.
If you witness a crime at an Apple store...
Does that make you an i-witness?
your honor, did i ever tell you the definition of insanity?
What offense was the redwood arrested for?...
I'll make like a tree, see my way out.
At the scene of the murder:
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, idiot. That’s why I'm a cop.
A man in my town was shot yesterday with a starter gun. Police suspect that the crime is race related.
What’s the worst offense a slime creature can commit?
Gelacrook
Father: "Government or private sector?"
There's a detective who solves crimes by sitting on the toilet.
He cracks cases by process of elimination.
What happens when a battery breaks the law? They get charged!
Judge: For your crimes against our citizens, I hereby sentence you to a decade in prison.
Man: That’s a lengthy sentence. Can you shorten it?
Judge: Okay. You go to jail for 10 years.
If Batman didn't fight crime, he would have opened a vineyard...
Because he makes wine.
(Apologies)
What illegal activity do we commit on r/jokes?
Punchline:
Punday.
Why is manslaughter a crime?
Are women not allowed to laugh?
If you commit a crime 90 times, you'll only get caught 45 times because sin 90 equals to cot 45.
09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.
09:51 Find the murder victim.
09:51 Cordon off the area.
09:51 Start searching for the murder weapon.
09:51 Realize watch has stopped.
Because he'll always be in a "cents".
When Batman is investigating a crime, the most probable explanation is that the Joker did it.
That’s Arkham’s Razor.
How do dwarfs get away with crimes?
By using fake IDs.
The government offered to purchase my firearms from me. However, after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable selling weapons to organized crime.
How do you offend a European? Make their food spicy!
What did Watson say to Sherlock Holmes when they found an empty diaper at the crime scene?
No poop Sherlock
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
They never mention that part to us, do they?
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop briefs him on what happened.
"It seems the murderer is filled with dementia and sees the train as his lover, so he killed the train driver out of envy."
"Incredible," replies the detective, gazing up at the train in question.
"That's quite a locomotive.
Mainly because of the bodies in my basement, but that's neither here nor there.
Turns out, it was just some faux noose.
If being good-looking is a crime, I would be a law-abiding citizen.
What do you call a ant that fights crime?
A vigilante.
I asked the grammar police about a crime in the city...
They told me that situation was tense.
How do cats report crimes?
They call Claw Enforcement!
...I'll see myself out.
Two police officers walk into a crime scene. They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of marijuana each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry. One officer turns to the other and says, "Looks like a joint suicide.
A cop calls for backup from a crime scene;
This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you arrested the woman?
No Sir, the floor is still damp.
What happens if a person witnesses a magical crime? They join the Witches' Protection Program.
Detective 1: I think the accountant did it. I found a calculator at the crime scene.
Detective 2: that computes
It's a crime to tell a joke to Optimus Prime.
You might be charged with Vehicular Man's Laughter.
What is coffee's least preferred crime?
Robberies
A robot went on a crime rampage in our neighborhood right before it ran out of power.
The police are refusing to prosecute the culprit.
Is it a crime to put sodium chloride in your adversary's peepers?
"Yes, that's assault."
"I know it's a salt but is it illegal?"
My little brother's teacher asked, "Who shot Abraham Lincoln?" He answered, "John Wilkes Booth," and the next recess, his locker had "STOP SNITCHING" spray-painted on it.
But have you heard about his dad who was Jest-ing.
The police were called to a crime scene.
They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.
She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"
Cop: "How many times did you hit him?"
Wife: "I don't remember. Put me down for a six.
I'm not racist. Racism is a crime. And crime is for dark folks.
If you're interested, the interview was yesterday. I need a group of time travelers to join me on an epic mission to battle crime throughout the 4th dimension.
A man, convinced of a crime, was in court.
The judge said, "Why did the police arrest you?"
The man replied, "For shopping too soon."
The judge said, "Well that's not a crime, how soon were you shopping?"
The man replied, "Before the store opened.
There is a mysterious crime wave happening at our nearby IKEA store.
The police are struggling to assemble the clues.
So anyway, I'm gonna need all of you guys to start collecting dog skeletons. Don't ask why.
What do you call a retirement community for crime-fighting arboreal rodents?
Squirrelock Homes
(wait for it)
Why doesn't Rick Harrison ever commit a crime and then blame it on another person? Because he'd have to involve a friend of his, and frame him. He's taking all the risk here.
Why do organized crime have what common criminals don't?
A con-census.
What do you tell a guy who committed a crime on dialysis?
You're in trouble.
What do you call a mediocre member of organized crime?
A mafioLOSER.
What offense was the Energizer Bunny guilty of?
Electricity
Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Let me know if you find any feces in the area.
*30 minutes later, the officer comes back empty-handed *
Sherlock: So you didn't find any?
Officer: No crap, Sherlock.
I was justifying my actions during a crime spree by claiming I had hypothermia and transformed into a superconductor.
I couldn't resist.
He's going to be "Rickrolled."
We already know Roy Moore's stances on crime and immigration. But, what about his stance on children?
Missionary, mostly.
So I was watching TV last night and saw a trailer for the new Fantastic Four movie. It looks like it's going to focus on their children and how they team up to fight crime.
Apparently it's going to be called "The Fantastic Four's Offspring."
If you ever feel lonely, you can go on GTA and commit a crime.
That way you're still wanted.
I once witnessed a scale commit a crime;
I thought, "Scale, that's illegal!"
What do you call a tiny psychic who has just committed a crime?
A small medium at large!
Come on!
If you want to commit a crime, steal something from someone in a wheelchair.
What are they gonna do, roll after you?
So, when Mr. Freeze leaves a crime scene, you know it's his work because people are frozen or there are frozen objects around, right?
I would go so far as to say that's him leaving his "Cooling Card.
If there is one crime anti-maskers are guilty of...
It's Karen-ing too much.
Despite comprising approximately 49% of the population,
Women are accountable for 100% of the crimes in space.
The police were called to a crime scene. They found a woman with a bloody golf club in her hand. Her husband, covered in blood, on the floor.
She screamed "My husband. What have I done?"
Cop "How many times did you hit him?"
Wife " I don't recall. Put me down for a six"
09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.
09:51 Find the murder victim.
09:51 Cordon off the area.
09:51 Start searching for the murder weapon.
09:51 Realize watch has stopped.
Two police officers walk into a crime scene. They see two people lying dead on the floor. The victims are holding a piece of marijuana each. Their eyes are red and their skin is dry. One officer turns to the other and says, "Looks like a joint suicide.
11:38 - Arrived at crime scene.
11:38 - Examined the body. Signs of a scuffle.
11:38 - Discovered murder weapon in drain.
11:38 - Realized watch was broken.
A cop calls for backup from a crime scene:
This is officer John, please send backup, a woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.
Have you apprehended the woman?
Negative, Sir, the floor is still wet.
A detective is investigating a crime scene in Mexico.
A cop fills him in on what happened.
“Apparently the killer is riddled with dementia and considers the train his lover, so he offed the train operator out of jealousy”
“Wow” says the detective, gazing up at the train in question.
“That’s some locomotive”
We discovered a list of negative numbers at the crime scene. It just doesn't subtract.
Passed a crime scene today...
...some knucklehead was taking a nap right in the middle of everything.
No crap Sherlock
Policeman: The deceased individual was discovered lying on the pavement......he is lying on the pave.........p a v e
*The policeman nudges the body onto the street*
Policeman: The deceased individual was discovered lying on the street.
Want to hear a detective joke?
Well, move along, there's nothing to solve here.
A duck and a detective are investigating a crime scene.
Duck: It looks like the man was stabbed.
Detective: Do you suspect foul play?
Duck: Please focus, there may be a killer on the loose.
Detective: You’re right, I really hope we can quack this case and solve it.
A police officer arrives at the crime scene.
"Now, Ma'am, can you describe the man who stole your handbag?"
"Oh, it all happened so fast! He pushed me over from behind, I didn't see him at all. One thing though; he was a vegetarian."
"How do you know that?"
"He told me as he was running off.
Cop 1, after examining the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshot wounds."
Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the messiest suicide I've ever seen!"
Detective 2: "Say what you will about him, but he's got a hunch."
6ix9ine would make a great crime scene investigator; I've heard he's excellent at identifying blood.
Sherlock: I heard the suspect gave the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.
*30 minutes later, the officer comes back empty-handed*
Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?
Officer: No crap, Sherlock.
Two Texas Rangers arrive at a crime scene...
There they find a black male hanging from a tree by a noose with 4 bullet holes in his back ...
The rookie asks "what do you think boss?"
The Sgt. Replies "Goddamn worst case of suicide I've ever seen
So... when Mr. Freeze leaves a crime scene, you know it's his work because people are frozen or there are frozen objects around, right?
I would go as far as to say that's him leaving his "Chilling Card"
What do you call a Japanese crime scene?
An assassin-Asian.
A crime scene investigation unfolds in a train yard.
A body lies severed across the tracks.
Inspector: "Do we have a motive?"
Officer: "Train.
What do you call a cholo investigating a crime scene?
Sherlock homes vato.
My wife is a forensic crime scene investigator, but she refuses to have a baby.
No one puts toddler in a coroner.
First the bad news:
The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is down to 140."
I'm a perfectionist about cleaning up. There's never any dirty dishes in the sink, the floors are spotless, all the surfaces are wiped down. I even do this if I'm visiting somewhere. If I see a fingerprint or a footprint I just have to take care of it. It makes me a GREAT roommate... but a TERRIBLE forensic investigator.
A blind cop strolls up to a crowd of civilians surrounding a crime scene.
"Alright folks, eyes on the road, nothing to see here.
"what's turning all these lizards to crime?"
A baker approaches a crime scene and asks the cop what happened...
"Sorry, that's on a knead to dough basis.
Why could Will Smith never get away with murder?
First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.
Two thieves were running away from the crime scene when a bus gets sandwiched between them.
The one in front got tired, and the one behind got worn out.
A criminal struck a nearby farm, setting off explosives inside the farmer's beloved cow, blowing it to pieces, but apparently causing no other havoc. The forensic investigator had these words at the press conference...
"Atrocious. Absolutely atrocious.
The local cops investigated the crime scene, but had nothing to go on.
Three days later, a pineapple detective arrives at the crime scene and begins to observe the decaying remains of the family.
Pineapple says, "well that's just the core."
Give a man a fish, and he won't see you dispose of the body in the lake.
Teach a man to fish, and he'll be the only one at the crime scene when the authorities arrive.
Prince's housekeeper of 30 years was offered a job as a crime scene investigator.
She was deemed highly qualified due to her years of experience dusting for Prince.
5:06 AM - The CSI team arrives.
5:06 AM - The CSI team starts collecting evidence at the crime scene.
5:06 AM - I realize my watch has stopped.
Lawyer: The bad news is that they did a DNA analysis of the blood found at the crime scene and you're going to charged with triple homicide.
Prisoner Joe: What's the good news?
Lawyer: Your cholesterol is down to 200.
They said they had DNA evidence placing him at a crime scene.
They tested his batteries and decided they couldn't charge him.
If you ever plan on murdering someone, do it in an adult movie theater. There will be other people's DNA all over the crime scene, plus no witnesses will come forward to admit they saw you there.
I don’t understand people who commit violent crimes with gun;
At least become a cop first so you get paid.
I guess carrot really is the new black.
The most German joke I know: Why are there so few crimes in Germany?
Because it's verboten.
danke kind stranger for the gold, I will deposit it in my grandchildren's savings account of course
the thing with the anti joke is that it's not really an anti joke in German, which makes it even more hilarious, for, you know... Germans.
Why is it so difficult to solve crimes in Alabama? Because the DNA always matches and the dental records don't exist.
Why don't adult film stars get convicted of any crimes?
Because they can always get themselves out.
How do dwarves escape from crimes?
through forgery
Sometimes I go out and commit misdemeanors, just to feel needed.
How do cats report crimes?
They call Claw Enforcement!
...I'll see myself out
Man: That’s a long sentence. Can you shorten it?
Judge: Ok. You go to prison for 10 years.
The mothia is relentless.
If you commit offenses 90 times you'll only get caught 45 times.
Because sin90 = cot45
My tattoo removal specialist, Dr. Pablo, confessed to me recently that he had committed dozens of crimes yet has never been caught.
"How in the world are you a free man?" I asked him.
"Nobody predicts the Spanish ink doctor," he said.
What do you call a marine reptile that solves mysteries?
An investi-gator.
When does the Joker not plan crimes?
When he's riding his Harley.
Where do shapes go to pay for their misdeeds?
A prism.
A Bloodhound was tried for Nazi war crimes;
He was only following scents.
I prevented numerous terrible crimes today.
Good ol' willpower.
Jeffrey Epstein learned this the hard way.
Why are there so many unreported crimes in rural Alabama?
Because they're one huge, happy family.
Despite accounting for approximately 49% of the population,
women are entirely to blame for all the crimes committed in outer space.
Where are owls that commit crimes sent for punishment?
Owlcatraz
Me: I want to be a pathologist and help solve crimes by doing autopsies.
Skeptical girlfriend: Autopsies are a dying field.
How do you call an immigrant who commits crimes?
Immigrant error.
What crimes do trees have to commit to get the death penalty?
Treeson
Who deals with font-related misdemeanors?
A serif sheriff!
Some underprivileged children in Victorian London were listening to Christmas carols when they learned that Santa Claus gives coal to children who aren't on his nice list. So, they decide to engage in as many minor offenses as possible to make sure they end up on his naughty list and avoid freezing to death.
No one knows why, but it's obvious he has a crazy motive.
"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.
Why does teasing a ginger turn into a hate crime?
Dyslexia
Cop 2: Hate crime?
Cop 1: Of course I dislike crime, idiot. That's why I'm a cop.
How do you insult a European? Add spice to their food!
I despise crime in multilevel parking lots. It's incorrect on many various levels.
Turns out, it was just some phony noose.
Your Momma so ugly...
When she masturbates, it's considered a hate crime.
There are extreme biases everywhere you look these days, for example...
It's totally okay for everyone to paint red freckles on their face for Saint Patrick's Day, but when I wear blackface on MLK Day it's a hate crime.
Why is capitalization important?
Because using chemicals to remove polish is just an annoying thing people have to do with their nails but using chemicals to remove Poland is one of Hitler's war crimes.
A Bloodhound was tried for Nazi war crimes. He was only following scents.
